All This And Nothing Even Rhymes With Virus

 Guest post by Sister of the Blog Elizabeth 

Well, I’ve given up people for Lent.

 I wish I’d known sooner that this was a viable option . If I’d known that “self-quarantined” was an available excuse, I would have started using it years ago.

Obviously, if there was ever a time to write a self-quarantine haiku, that time is upon us. If I knew how to write a haiku, I would. I actually have no idea, so I’ll stick with just being a proud self-quarantiner. I plan to celebrate coming out of the closet by going back in it. I’ll continue my regular routine by staying in my pajamas in my house with all my imaginary friends who recite poetry to me and laugh at all my jokes.

Now, COVID-19 has given me something of a solitude wind-fall, but that doesn’t keep the restless stir crazy wiggles away completely. I’ve compiled a short list of things to do when this happens.

Tell yourself jokes and silly thoughts.

This technique comes in very handy if you find yourself wearing a droopy face because of all the stress you feel. Tell yourself a silly thing and you’ll turn that frown upside down.

·       One of my Chinese-speaking students at school meant to say that people from Britain are British. Instead, she said, “People who live in Britain are Britilicious.”

·       Our niece Ariela reminded Grammy to go out and buy “sand hanitizer.”

·       The other day, I overheard two people debating whether dogs or cats are superior. The cat advocate said, “Just think, without cats, Crazy Cat Ladies would just be straight up Crazy Ladies.”

·       What do dyslexic zombies exclusively eat? Brians.

Read Castle Corona by Sharon Creech. 

     Although she wrote it in 2007 to tell a story about knights and peasants and poisons, I don’t think we could find a better time to read it. Watch Tangled again. Rapunzel lives in the Kingdom of Corona. Why not feed our brains alternative corona associations that don’t include death or social unrest?

Talk to strangers.

      If it’s not already glaringly apparent, this point should prove that my sister and I have vastly different approaches to life.  For her, stranger is a person who could potentially pop your car tires or ring your door bell and run away or take away your cookies on your birthday. You NEVER KNOW WHICH kind of person they will be so you must be VERY careful.

     On the other hand, as I told Sarah the other day, “To me, a stranger is just a friend I haven’t made yet.” Whichever philosophy you believe, there is something to be said for exchanging a few extra words with the increasing amount of people you see roaming around your neighborhood. Consider it networking for when you need to barter with them for toilet paper later.

Don’t worry about the toilet paper.

      If worse comes to worse, you can go to CVS or Walgreens, buy a tiny tube of Maybelline mascara, and walk away with a receipt the length of a roll of Charmin. You’ll know what to do next. Thank me later.

Consider a few conspiracy theories. 

     It’s good for the soul. Could Big Charmin be behind the pandemic?  What two bears would wipe their bottoms on nationally syndicated television without an ulterior motive.

 Write your own news. 

      Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” I take this to mean that I should create the kind of news stories I would prefer to hear and then read them with the full trust of my college-educated brain. Surely, that will at least change my own droopy face. Inspired by some new policies that discourage any gatherings over ten people, I have conducted some on the ground journalism and produced the following reports.

Tensions Rise As First, Third, and Fifth Mormon Wives Choose Which Child To Evict In Wake of Over Ten People Policy Enactment

"Jeremiah never did scrub the trailer floor well enough anyway," said Sylvia Shroder, Elijah Shroder's 5th wife.

"We are praying for guidance from our Lord," shared Elijah Shroder later. "Stress is running high here in the caves of Ridge City, Utah. We don't want to send away any of our 43 children."

Sources say that the Shroder family is floating ideas of sewing together all of the girls' full-body bathing suits to create an independent island.

"We don't know how we'll grow our beets in the dresses, " admits Sylvia. "But at least we will be together."

Together, that is, except for Jeremiah. He now shines the tubas for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Most recently, the family is turning their considerable mental focus on how to keep the island clean. With such a large population living on full-body bathing suits, cleanliness issues could cause a new pandemic.

Jedidiah Ephraim, the 7th son of 3rd wife Jody Prudence and one of Elijah's 17 sons, is good with his hands.

"While driving our truck to the river to remove our overalls from the catfish hole," Jedediah told reporters, "I figured how to clean the island with the machine I’ve invented." 

The machine will attach the handle of a vacuum cleaner to the body of a Whirlpool dishwasher. The dirt and dust which accumulate on the island will be sucked up into the dishwasher and exit, cleaned soil, from a hole in the back. "Nine of the youngins will pull it like a plow across our island. Cleanliness is next to Joseph Smith, after all."

When asked for the name of the island, unidentified neighbors agreed on Mormonhatten. No word yet on where these desert dwellers will find water to place the island.

The Utah Today-- March 18th, 2020

Home School Family Ditches Van, Faces Jail Time After Impersonating Funeral Procession Doug and Wendy Lister are facing extended jail time today. Their clandestine transportation scheme was discovered late Thursday by local officials in Orange County, Illinois. The Listers, whose 13 children normally ride in a 15 passenger van, have run into issues as their family exceeds the newly rolled out policies limiting gatherings to ten or fewer people. The family noticed that they regularly broke the law just by riding to their local library to borrow books about making homemade toilet paper. "We have noticed that our large family intimidates the wait staff at our local Red Lobster, but we never thought our full quiver would force us toward a life of crime," mourned Wendy to a reporter. To what life of crime is Wendy referring? Local officials began receiving calls from Orange County residents who reported seeing a line of black cars, lights flashing, riding back and forth from the local 4H each Monday and Wednesday. "We didn't think that many people were dying," recalls Randy Graves, owner of the local Exxon station. "Our town only holds about 345 people." Unfolding reports confirm that the Lister family bought the four hearses previously owned by the Orange Counter Funeral Home, whose proprietor believed the vehicles would be used for charity. “Doug assured me that the hearses would be used to carry baby blankets to the pediatric ward of our hospital. Every blanket was knitted by one of Doug’s ten daughters so I thought I could do something good for the community.”  Unfortunately, the Lister family turned on the flashing lights of the black funeral vehicles and raised the funeral flags too many times. Locals caught on. Police continue to question Doug and Wendy. As all of their children are above the age of 18, jail time will likely result for them as well. No word yet on how the Orange County jail deal with the influx of inmates. The number will be greater than ten. The Orange Country Inquirer-- March 22nd, 2020 Finally, if you have a sister, call her as many times as you possibly can. Ask her for updates about her bronchitis. She may not even notice that you’re just calling because you miss her She may not even know that you would rather live on an island made of dresses than socially distance from her.