Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I wish I knew the condition of the criminal

Today I had an appointment with a new doctor. It was the second time in one week that I have meet a new doctor which, considering I'm not a fan of meeting new doctors, falls under the THAT'S A LOT OF NEW DOCTORS category. 

I'll put you at ease right now by saying I have no intentions of telling you my entire medical history.

I should have known I was in for a long appointment when the nurse hooked me up to the blood pressure machine and oxygen monitor and suddenly every single light and beeper on the machine started going off. The nurse turned around and said, "You're blood pressure is pretty high." Yours probably would be too if you were hooked up to a machine that made it sound like you were about to explode. Last week I almost drive off a bridge and this week I almost explode. 

The nurse brought me into the exam room and started typing information into the computer. She sat there making a variety of odd noises before announcing that my condition was not listed in the computer system and she wasn't sure what to do. My "condition"? Let's not make it sound like I have an extra arm growing out of my chest. Suddenly it occurred to me that maybe I was at the wrong office. So I said, "Am I at the wrong office? I thought this was the was the office that deals with my 'condition'." The portion of me that houses my pride was relieved to hear that I was at the correct office. The new computer system was not up to par which made me wonder why they were using it to diagnose me and my condition.

The doctor decided to send me up to the second floor for blood work. Once up there I got lost. It was not a large floor. So that was slightly embarrassing.

I told the lab worker that people usually have trouble drawing blood so it would be best if she used a butterfly needle. She pushed my sleeve up and very matter of factly announced, "I can see why they have such a hard time! This is going to be difficult!" Such a reassuring woman.

I found my way off the second floor without problem and was in the car driving away when the nurse called me. The doctor needed another blood test. Rather than drive 45 minutes just for a blood test another day, I turned around and drove to the other lab at the hospital. I was sitting in the waiting room when Nurse Lisa came out and apologized profusely, saying there was a problem with which test needed to be done (of course there was!) and did I mind waiting? Until after lunch? It was 12:15. Could I wait until 1? She was so sorry. So very sorry. The doctor wasn't sure about something. (Based on a conversation I heard between the doctor and the nurse, I could have told Lisa that.) She didn't mind bringing me a cafeteria menu in case I was hungry. Or some coffee? It's free!

So there I sat. And sat. And then what to my bored eyes should behold but a criminal walking towards me escorted by two policemen! Things suddenly got very exciting. I secretly wanted them to sit next to me so I could get the scoop of the criminal. Unfortunately they waltzed (or stumbled, as the case may be) right in for his blood test so I wasn't able to find out anything more than he had obviously spent a very long time with some very large bottles of alcohol. Eventually the doctor and the lab lady were on the same page because my turn came as the criminal was hauled out. The nurse told me she didn't want to me have to "deal with" being in the same room as the criminal but I wish I could have been in there. Imagine the blog material!

I wish I could say I exited the hospital in a graceful and ladylike fashion but I can't. I bumped into a 'wet floor' sign.

Perhaps my condition is the inability to see large yellow signs when they're smack-dab in front of me.


Jen said...

Darn! That would have been interesting to listen to what was wrong with the criminal. We can only wonder.

kiki said...

I pretty much have this exact same experience every time I go to the doctor's office! And I totally saw a criminal at Gateway the other week. I practically ran into him texting on my phone :)

Mrs. K said...

I love that they were worried about your blood pressure then offered you coffee. LOL Um, that's always sure to elevate mine.

Jamie said...

It must have been a VERY long night to need to go to the hospital for alcohol. I bet it was a good story :)

McKenna Bleu said...

So glad I found your blog, you have a new follower:)


Katie Foster said...

I love how this is labeled under "the humiliation chronicles"

too funny :)


Heather Fox said...

Here from the walkabout.

It is so nice to "meet" you.

Hospitals are so confusing, and always makes me panic just thinking about what has to happen when I go. Whether it be for me or my girls.

I am sure the wet floor sign jumped out of nowhere.

Karen said...

I have the opposite problem - my blood pressure is always really low and they always ask me if I feel like I'm going to faint... it's always been low - it's like they don't actually read the medical charts and your history lol. And I never see the wet floor signs either.

Elle Sees said...

everytime i have to get blood drawn, there's always that moment of where they try to convince me they can use my arm. after failed attempts, butterfly time! every.single.time.

Jenn said...

Look at you knowing fancy medical-speak like "butterfly needle"! It sounds like a needle that you would use. Nice and feminine. I hope it's not actually grotesquely large and painful because that name would be quite misleading if it was.