Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I am both the mayor and the president of Sick City

Welcome to Sick City, the place where cough drops, tissues and Dayquil/Nightquil have banded together and decided to never leave. If that's not enough incentive to come visit, I'm sure the sight of Christopher walking around looking like a drowned rat will draw you in. To top it all off, I have a side show with a month long sinus infection. Keep the good times rolling.

Sesame has been hit the hardest, poor girl. She's teething*, coughing up a storm, trying to survive her first cold, sporting a bruised leg from two shots at the doctor yesterday and recovering from the bloody nose she got after banging her face on a chair. 

She wants you to know that despite her sassy hand-behind-the-head model pose, she DOES NOT enjoy any type of baby carrier. The only exception is when Christopher is wearing her and we're walking around the Opry Hotel. If she's not going to be carried in your arms than you can forget about it, sister.

* We've had a lot of teething false alarms. Basically I've attributed any time she's been anything less than her normally 300% happy self in the last five months to teething. The one time I didn't bother giving my teething speech two little teeth made an appearance. My mothering instincts are on point. 

But look! We can finally use free child labor She almost forgot about her ailments when she found herself a fun new toy.

She wants you to know she climbed in there all by herself. She was SO PROUD.
In other news, (segway! segway!) talking about Christopher looking like a drowned rat reminds me of our ice skating date a few weeks ago. 
He's got his hand in his pocket, looking as relaxed as if he just spent the day at the beach. Then there's me, holding onto the side for dear life. Any time I wasn't holding on I was stumbling around with all the grace and elegance of a drunk donkey. I've said it before and I'll say it again- Christopher is a lucky man to be seen with me in public. 

Friday, January 23, 2015

I have given myself every right to be as dramatic as I want

Grab your beverage and snack because I can tell this is going to be a long one. You have been warned.

I had the best visit with Michelle over the weekend She seems wonderful online but somehow she's three trillion times better in person. She is the only person I know who has experienced the same level of 24/7/9 month pregnancy nausea I had with Sesame. She would understand exactly what I mean if I say something like "I would rather have slept on a bed of nails with a blanket of thorns if it would give me 24 hours sickness free." 

After ten minutes for driving around her apartment complex and almost knocking on the wrong door, we found Michelle's house. I wasn't sure if she's a huggy person so I should have kept some space between us but all the sudden I felt like I was throwing myself into her arms. Poor girl didn't know what was coming. I was so mortified. She was too polite to send us packing then and there. We sat around chatting while Annabelle ate the cord on her blinds, tried to pull books off her shelf and smushed half eaten puffs into her clean carpet. Welcome to your future life, Michelle! I don't have many friends with babies and I'm thrilled she'll be joining me when her little girl arrives in a few months.

Michelle spent all evening praising her town and giving me reasons why we should move there. Safe! Friendly people! Very safe! Lots of stores! Nice people! By the time we were heading out to Panera, I was ready to pack my bags and hightail it out of Tennessee. After all, we need to be close so we can have play dates. Panera was in a crowded plaza (important information!!!) but I thought it was as good a place as any to show Michelle how to turn off the child safety lock on her car door. Instead I broke the door. Thank goodness Mom is a car door expert (how???) and fixed it. I was sure Michelle would never want to see me again after I grabbed her and broke her car. Annabelle was tired and getting grumpy (and dumping an entire bag of chips on the floor) but I tried bribing her with different foods to give us more time to visit. Eventually we had to say our goodbyes and walked down to our cars. Mom walked around to the drivers side, stuck her arm through the window and said, "Sarah! Your car has been broken into!" 

Well. That was unexpected turn of events in a safe city full of friendly people.

Mom called the police but they said they wouldn't come down. In what world does that make sense? Is stealing no longer a crime in America? I called Christopher so he could contact insurance and told him we'd have to call somebody to tow the car. He asked why I needed a tow truck. Why was he asking that? Wasn't it obvious that a broken rear window meant that the engine must have stopped working? In defense of my brain, I was thinking I didn't want to drive the car because too much cold air would blow on Annabelle.  You know what type of situation I lose 98% of logical reasoning? The situation where my car window is in three million pieces and someone has stolen my gps, Moms computer and my camera. I was upset about the camera but I knew I had almost all the pictures on my computer. But turns out they stole my computer too. I can't even talk about it. 

We put the baby in Michelle's car and went back to her house while we figured out what to do next. Annabelle went to sleep in the pack n play in Michelle's bedroom (she's breaking in the room before the new baby arrives) and we filled out the online police report, The following is an actual sampling of things you can report from your stolen car- llama (is this a frequent complaint?), empty beer can, cocaine (I'd like to see how much sympathy the police give when that's stolen), hair, and a cow. Nowhere did I see "582 pictures from your baby's first Christmas" or "videos of Daddy reading books for Annabelle to watch when he's gone" listed.

Michelle and James were complete saints. They let us use their computers to change our passwords, hang out in their living room for a few hours and probably overstay our welcome, and taped a trash bag over the broken window. I was watching James tape the window and attempting to make some small talk when he paused in the taping and said, "You don't have to wait with me out here." I think it was polite code for "You're being useless so please remove yourself from the vicinity."

Three hours later we said our goodbyes for the second time. Michelle and I have to be friends forever now that we've had such a bonding experience. We had to get gas before driving to the hotel and due to a series of unfortunate driving errors, FOURTY MINUTES LATER we were sitting in a parking lot across the street from Michelle's apartment trying to figure out what road we needed. I reached back to get trail mix out of the snack bag and discovered they stole my snacks too. NOBODY STEALS MY SNACKS. We finally got to the hotel at 11:48. I was unpacking our stuff and low and behold, the bag with all AB's food, bottles, formula and my breast pump were missing . People. I was so mad. Poor Annabelle wanted a snack and I didn't have anything to give her. I still nurse her so it's not like she was going to starve, but she loves her snacks. When I told Christopher they stole her food he said, "Maybe they have a baby and are struggling to feed it." That was a much more Christian statement than when I thought, "I HOPE THEY GET LOST" upon discovering that they didn't steal the gps after all.

And so our lengthy Christmas vacation came to an end on Sunday after we drove seven hours across the country with a clear shower curtain duct taped over the window. Within the space of four hours we lost almost all our electronics, paid $17.80 in toll fees, and made a new friend. The robbery won't stop me from visiting Michelle again (if she'll let me), but I won't come to her in a car. I'll be riding my llama. At least we know the police will pay attention if I say Larry the llama is gone. Plus, who would try stealing a llama?

Thursday, January 15, 2015

the current state of my emotions

Quick question. Does anyone else like to dress their child up like an Amish/Pilgrim baby and sit them in the highchair next to Dumbo the elephant? 
No? Just me? Why am I hearing crickets?

Rejoicing over: THE RETURN OF DOWNTON ABBEY. 

Working on: Helping Annabelle establish who is and isn't her dad. I thought she had fully grasped the concept long ago but today she waved to a statue of Jesus on the cross and said "Hi Dada!" I'm just glad she didn't say, "Hi Mama!" I'd hate for her to confuse me with a bearded man. 

Experiencing: Back pain after sleeping on the couch. Add it to my lengthy list of elderly issues. I'm breaking in my old lady shoes as we speak. Has anyone seen my hearing aid? 

Eating: Carrot sticks and wishing they were doughnuts.

Unimpressed with: My knitting skilz. I knit a hat for Annabelle and couldn't figure out why it looked so messy. Christopher said it looked good (he always says that) but I knew it wasn't right. Upon further investigation I realized I made it with two different sized needles. I wonder why no one's asked me to teach knitting classes lately. 

Planning: The redecoration's I'm going to make on my porch this summer. I'd like some nice furniture, a rug and a fountain. I'll probably end up with three folding camping chairs and a plastic kiddie pool. We'll be the envy of the neighborhood. 

So excited about: Meeting Michelle this weekend! I cannot wait. I text her 28 times a week and am so excited to see her in person. At the same time I'm slightly nervous. A million things could go wrong. What if I accidentally wear a see-through shirt? What if I trip over air and fall flat on my face in her living room? What if Sesame spits up all over Michelle and her cute belly? What if I bump into a candle and set her house on fire? What if she thinks I'm weird and never wants to speak to me again? Who will I discuss Parenthood, Downton, our issues with feminism, weird blogs and unusual baby names if she's no longer my friend?

Over thinking: My visit to Michelle.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Friday, January 9, 2015

my year thus far

* It's only the 9th but I've already had an ear infection and a sinus infection. Nothing like starting the year off hopped up on drugs! Last time I was on all the drugs I thought our neighbors had a tiny horse in their yard. 

* I've only been to Dunkin Donuts two times this year. I don't know why I haven't been 12 times. Our DDs in TN are beyond sub sub par. The DD here are perfect. Like I've always said, New England runs on Dunkin Donuts and the rest of the country stubble's along behind. The following is an actual conversation between Aaron and the man working the drive through.
Aaron: "I'd like an iced caramel with extra extra extra extra extra."
Man; "Do you want cream and sugar?"
Aaron: "Yes. Extra, extra."
Man: "I got the extra extra extra extra extra part. Do you want more extra extra?"
Aaron: "Yes, please. Extra extra cream and sugar. Extra extra extra extra extra caramel."


Why don't you just ask for tooth decay in a cup.

* Between January 1st and January 6th I pulled out 8 gray hairs. I had a panic attack when I looked at the back of my head in the mirror and saw a whole clump of gray. Turns out the bobbie pin I used was peeling and what I was seeing was the light reflecting off it.

* I went to bed at 11:15 on New Years Eve. I couldn't care less about seeing a ball drop or a million strangers kissing in Times Square. I don't know why I ever thought it was fun to stay up late. These days I'm a happy camper if I'm asleep by 10:30. 

* Speaking of late nights, the Single Ladies Club had a get together this week. Since the formation of the club I've gotten married and Autumn has started dating Nick. That leaves Joanna as the only single lady but The One Married, One Dating, One Single Club is a horrible name. We were trying to plan a time to go out on the town and Autumn said, "We don't have to go early in the evening. We can leave at 9:30 or 10." Please see previous statement about my prefered bedtime. I'll be the one in the corner watching all the youngsters party it up while wearing my Old Navy pajama pants. 

* I heard a story on the radio about a woman who married her two cats. I have a few questions- WHY, WHY and WHY? This is taking cat lady to a whole new level of crazy.
* AB has decided this is The Year of the Nighttime Wakeup. She has no supporters in this but she carries on anyway. She's gone from sleeping through the night to waking up four to five times a night. That means I've been woken up 36-40 times. I feel so fresh and chipper!

* I never pick a word of the year. I don't know what's going to happen this year and I hate to pick a word that's going to stress me out come September. What if I pick the word brave today then tomorrow someone invites me to jump off the Effiel Tower with only a bungee cord the width of a toothpick tied around my waist to keep me from certain death? WHAT DO I DO THEN? I bet I'd be wishing I picked the words timid and scaredy catHow would I pick one anyway? How does this whole process work? I did come up with a phrase that shall be my guide for 2015-

Stop comparing yourself to others because it only brings discontentment and pain, especially when you're comparing your hair to the hair of every contestant who ever appeared on The Bachelor.

That will look great embossed on a coffee cup.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

nine month Annabelle


Sleeping with Apple the Elephant at the moment I became a nine month old girl.
Vital statistics: According to my mother I'm "getting too big", "growing like a weed" and "not her teeny tiny little munchkin baby anymore". I think that means I'm around 16 el bees. Our baby scale isn't in the same state as us so I can't say for sure. I'm getting very tall. Six month pants fit me just fine around the waist but in length they're capris. I'll be taller than Mom by the time I'm 3.

What's on the menu: How do I love food? Let me count the ways. It's all wonderful. Spaghetti, pancakes, bread, strawberries, apples, potatoes (my fav), crackers. More bread. Butternut squash doesn't float my boat.
Biggest dislikes: Having my face washed after meals. It's so rude the way people come at my face with a wet towel.

Favorite toys: The foam Grammy put around the marble coffee table to protect my head, Memere's singing/dancing snowmen, anything with a snowman on it, and the musical Minnie Mouse car I got for Christmas. I recently found trash cans and I l-o-v-e them. I still love walks aroudn the neighborhood and anytime we go outside.

Milestones in my young life this month:
* Christmas. Obviously.
* I met my best friend Kezia.
* I can say dada, yay, hi and bye. I can say mama but I seldom feel like it. I waved at Dad when he came home from work and said, "Hi, dada!"
* I give kisses.
* I traveled in the car for over 20 hours.
* I can scoot-crawl. 
* I met my cousin Kate. 
* I dumped out a pot of dirt and was really proud of myself.
* I pulled myself up to standing using the coffee table. Mom said never to do that again. Then she cried.