Wednesday, October 28, 2015

gather 'round to hear the latest of my medical issues

By about 7:00 Monday evening I kept thinking to myself, "This has been A Week."

Sunday afternoon I was feeling footloose and fancy free as I headed out to the mall for some mama time. My stomach started to hurt right as I pulled in but I pressed on. I was only there for 30 minutes but had to sit down three times, the pain was so bad. I would have laid down but I didn't want to cause a public spectacle. I considered finding a security guard who would drive me back to my car in a golf cart so I wouldn't have to walk. I limped my way to the car, made it home and dragged myself to bed where I curled up with a heating pad and diagnosed myself with appendicitis or some sort of cancer.  All my time on WebMD has proved to be very helpful. The pain wasn't as bad on Monday but I went to the emergency room just in case.

Due to confusing signs I had to park down the street from the hospital and walk what felt like 5 miles to get to the er. Once there I found myself in a room full of the city's finest hoodlums, including but not limited to a boy whose pants were hanging so low he would have been better off not wearing any at all. A nurse brought a patient's specimens out to the waiting room to give to the patient's mother and mixed in with the girl's stuff was another patient's vial of blood. What a fine establishment. The nurse finally called my name and told me to walk myself down to room 17. Never in my life have I been pointed in the direction of an er room and told to let myself in. THERE WAS ALREADY SOMEONE IN ROOM 17. The mother and I had the worlds most awkward staring contest while I tried to mutter something about how she should BLAME JEN THE NURSE for the position we were in. I finally got my own room and sat there for an hour and a half waiting for someone to remember me. I couldn't find the remote for the tv and I didn't feel like reading my book so I had nothing to do but curl up and bemoan the state of my stomach. I felt like I hadn't eaten in years so I asked a random medical student doing paperwork outside my door if I could eat something. The answer was no. #DrHopeCrusher. I started daydreaming about food. I wanted nothing more than a large pepperoni pizza. I read the word sushi and suddenly I was craving all the sushi in the country. I'm not even a big sushi person but it was all I could think about.
Finally a nurse came in the room and hooked me up to an iv. I hate getting blood work/iv's with a passion. My veins are too small and it's such an ordeal getting the needle in. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" while the nurse poked and yanked at my arm. Why was I apologizing? She was the one causing the hurt.  She should be on her knees begging forgiveness. She gave me some pain medicine, turned on the tv so I could watch hgTV and things started looking up. Christopher and Annabelle came by to visit and AB completely disregarded any instructions I gave her about not sitting on my stomach.
I had a ct scan and as these things go, we had to wait a while for the results. Finally a PA came in and said my appendix looked fine, but it might a hernia or I might be constipated or maybe I just have a stomach ache. I was so hungry/exhausted/frustrated I almost cried. I was so annoyed that I had spent a day and a half of my life in pain only to be told I needed to go home and use the bathroom. I wanted to throw the iv fluid bag at her. They didn't even give me pain medicine to take home. I walked back to the car is such a huff about the whole situation that I'm surprised my head didn't explode. Now that I think about it, had my head exploded maybe I would have gotten better service. I went to Walgreens for a prescription and of course the pharmacist was young and handsome and I was BEYOND mortified that we were discussing my bathroom habits.
Short story unnecessarily long, I went to my regular doctor yesterday and she's sending me for an ultrasound. Today I had to call her office to get the information about where to go for the ultrasound. I should have gotten the info yesterday but Sesame was so excited about the fish and frogs in the tank and the dancing Snoopy dressed like a pumpkin that I got distracted and walked right out of the office without getting the paperwork.
I may still have my appendix but I've lost my brain.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

I can only hope Kensington Palace let's me redecorate Princess Charlotte's bedroom

This morning I woke up with a splitting headache. My young boss was understanding and said I could take the day off. She sat quietly in the rocking chair all day, eating healthy snacks and reading educational books. I slept all day and it was glorious.
In reality I dragged myself out of bed, fed the boss breakfast and went to the lab to have blood work done. Try not to be jealous that I spent part of my morning being jabbed by a pediatric needle because the regular adult needles are too big for my minuscule veins. I let Annabelle bring in her Minnie Mouse stuffed animal which worked out much better than the original toy she wanted to bring- her musical, light up, ride on Minnie Mouse car. She (AB, not MM) behaved well until it was time to walk down to the bathroom for a urine sample. I gave her strict instructions to stand by the door and try not to touch anything. Of course she decided she didn't want to hold Minnie anymore and since there was nowhere to put the stuffed animal, I had to hold her under my chin while I went about my business. It was very graceful. By the time I was washing my hands AB said she wanted Minnie back. I must have misunderstood her because before I say anything, Minnie was going for a bath in the toilet. I guess I should be thankful Mr. Lion didn't get a bath.
Miss Toy Dunker tells me almost every day that she has a "new bedroom, Mama! It pink, Mama!" I wanted to paint it a very light pink but Christopher lost the paint chip on the way to the store and he bought a much brighter pink. I love it. It looks so pretty with the built-in white shelves.
I was going to redo her room in a bird/Mary Poppins theme but I put that off for a little longer. She's still so little I kind of like her still having the same elephant pictures she had in her first bedroom.
Naturally we have a special place to display her necklaces from Prince George.
She likes to call her closet a dollhouse for reason I don't understand. I hung up the green dress she wore home from the hospital on one of the decorative wall hooks. Every single time I see it I think about how a newborn dress was too big for little tiny baby Annabelle.
The only new thing I got for her room was the bow hanger. The director at story time asked if she has a bow to match every outfit. Pretty much and proud of it!
I painted this bench for her over the summer. I spent many weeks of my life carefully painting blades of grass with a toothpick.
I love how it turned out and hope it lasts forever. Thank goodness it's too big to dunk in a toilet.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

life around here certainly isn't boaring

Lately I've been into watching vlogs on Youtube. I found one done by a British girl and she's inspired me to spice up my vocabulary with a few British terms. The other day I told Annabelle we needed to "pop over to the shop round the corner". She hasn't picked up on any of my new phrases yet but I'm sure she'll give it a go soon. She likes to shake my hand and say "Pleased to meet you!" so I'm patting myself on the back for already raising such a proper child.

The shop round the corner in question was Home Depot. I favor Lowes over Home Depot because I like blue better than orange, but I don't know where Lowes is so I am forced to suffer through the sea of orange aprons. Last time I was there I noticed a sign attached to a pole that read total snowfall last year with an arrow pointing down. The pole was stuck in a bucket with cotton piled around the top to look like snow. As I walked I rolled my eyes because the "snow" barely came up to knee. So much for this being Snowfall Central. I walked by it again on this most recent visit and literally stopped in my tracks when I realized I had misread the sign. The arrow was not pointing to the fake snow. It was pointing to a line at that top of the pole that said 129.3''. That's ONE HUNDRED TWENTY NINE POINT THREE INCHES, people. It was a difference of more than nine feet.

Good thing I like snow.

I'm sure you all remember the tiny horse I saw in our neighbors yard when I was pregnant. Much to my sorrow, I later discovered that it was only a dog. Well. You WILL NOT BELIEVE what I saw in our neighbors yard on the way home from Home Depot. A BOAR. A black boar just hanging out eating grass while a little Chihuahua followed along behind. Lest you think we moved to the African desert- WE DIDN'T. We barely even live in the country. I don't even know what to think. Every time I've driven by since I've had my camera ready but the boar hasn't been out. I will risk taking my child for a walk on a busy road for photographic evidence. If they didn't live down the road a few houses you'd better believe I'd set up a boar watching station in my kitchen. AB can get her own cheerios and milk. Mama's busy watching the neighbors.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Pumpkin patching and all that. A brief description of our day as told by AB.

My peeps took me to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard. Mom said I had to wear my pumpkin outfit. As usual, I had little say in the matter.

Dad got me my first set of wheels! Nothing less than a convertible for me.

I'll pose with my mom but I refuse to smile. (Editorial comment. I'm questioning my sunglasses.
I wish I had questioned how they looked before wearing them the entire summer.) 

I don't understand what my parents wanted me to do. They kept sticking me up in trees and saying "Pick it! Pick it!" Pick what? I was so confused.

 Apple picking is the best, you guys.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

In a People House, Edition House #6

We've finally started to get pictures hung up and décor put up around here.
I have a love-hate relationship with collage walls. I love how they look but hate the thirty extra nail holes I always make when hanging the pictures. I was so proud of myself for only moving two nails this time. I imagine the pride I felt was similar to the pride felt by those who scale Mount Everest.
My one dislike of collage walls is trying to keep everything straight. 
Two things to note in the above picture:
1. I have yet to find the lamp shade for my lamp. Maybe it's in the box with the cookie sheets and my dry shampoo.
2. I have a pillow sitting on a bookcase. See below for an explanation.
When I made my wedding registry I only asked for things I needed, with the exception of two items. The first was a beverage dispenser that I've only used once so obviously it was a smart choice and the other was a hummingbird pillow. I can't fully convey my love for this pillow.

My goal is for it to last until our fiftieth anniversary in pristine, albeit slightly wrinkled, condition. I have strict rules for this pillow. Absolutely NO using it like your average pillow. No leaning, laying, swishing, or folding it. No using it in a pillow fight. Under NO circumstances is it to be slept on. The morning I went to the hospital to have Annabelle I made a list of instructions for Mom and the twins who were staying at our house: "YOU KNOW THE RULES ABOUT THE HUMMINGBIRD PILLOW." Don't I sound so hospitable? I can feel my blood pressure rise when someone who doesn't know the rules squashes it. Our cars were so jam packed on the way up here that I almost had to choose between taking Annabelle or taking the pillow. AB would not be a respecter of my pillow rules and it doesn't match in my room or the guest room so it's been sitting on the bookshelf for weeks. Because that's totally normal. I'm sure my levels of pillow obsession is normal as well.
Oh look! Another pretty pillow! This pillow can be gently leaned upon so you can all breathe a sigh of relief. 
Around the corner from the hummingbird pillow sits this box. I packed it the week before we got married and seven moves later it still hasn't been unpacked. Frankly I have no plans to unpack it. Why mess with tradition?

I love a fireplace mantle. You can see my decorative sticks peeking up in the bottom left. I'm not as obsessed with my sticks as with my pillow but I do like them. I searched high and low for the perfect bunch of decorative sticks when we were living in our apartment. I felt silly buying sticks when I could have gotten them for free in the woods, but Tennessee majorly failed in the woods department so I shelled out eighteen American dollars for fake sticks decorated with beads. You've never seen fancier sticks. Sesame likes to play with them and I feel ridiculous every time I say "DON'T BREAK MAMA'S STICKS! They're very special and I'll be very sad if they break!"

For various reasons we didn't get a new bedding set when we got married. Let me rephrase that. Christopher bought a red comforter set when he moved into the apartment as his "last bachelor purchase" but I didn't get to pick one out. We've either used the red set or a pretty gold set that was given to me second hand. I liked the gold bedding but it had seen better days so on Thursday we went to Stein Mart and bought a new blanket and throw pillows. We also got three more pillows that aren't in the picture. I have a throw pillow addiction and I'm proud of it.

I'm on a self-imposed no buying new items for the house ban but I let this one slide because technically I can say it's a wedding gift to myself that came five years late. That leaves me free to buy the antique washboard I saw yesterday as a housewarming gift to myself. I do so enjoy justifying unnecessary purchases.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

three very unrelated and unimportant topics

Two doors down from our house is a bar. A few weeks ago they put out a sign announcing they'd be having a "family friendly" Fall festival over the weekend. I wondered what family friendly event could happen at a bar. Apple juice shots, maybe? Christopher went over to investigate but he reported there wasn't much going on so it wasn't worth us walking ALL THE WAY over there. That night we heard music blaring into all hours of the evening. We assumed things were in full party mode over at the Fall festival. The next night the music started up again. Christopher happened to be out in the backyard at the same time our neighbor Sue was building a fire in her fire pit. He said hi but she didn't respond as she was high as a kite. Turns out the music was courtesy of Sue's personal Fall festival complete with a 1990's cd player and assorted things to smoke.
In case you're wondering, Sue looks like this. Add fifteen years, change the hood to green and it's 100% Sue.

Speaking of what people look like, the boy who cuts our grass looks EXACTLY like Jojo from Horton Hears a Who. He has shaggy black hair, the longest arms and has worn stripped black pants every time I see him.
The cast of characters around here is fascinating.
Lately I've been teaching Sesame state names. It's more out of a desire to hear her say some new words than a desire to raise the 2020 World Geography Competition winner. Yesterday we had the following conversations:
Me: What do you want for lunch?
AB: Massa-CHOO-ses.
Me: Do you want more or are you all done?
AB: Massa-CHOO-ses! Massa-CHOO-ses!
Me: Go get a book for me to read you.
AB: Massa-CHOO-ses!
Whatever the question, Massachusetts is her the answer.
Today was the first day of my first annual Fall Fashion Fiesta with my favorite first child.
"I am so bored. I will gaze up at the sky and hope for an airplane to appear."
Stay tuned for future installments as we make our way through her wardrobe. It's sure to be fascinating.