Friday, May 29, 2015

forever twenty-four

Apparently I turned 26 yesterday.
I say apparently because for 362 days of the last year I firmly, and I do mean FIRMLY AND WITH MY ENTIRE BEING, believed I was 24 and approaching my 25 birthday. I was preparing myself for my quarter life crisis. Last time I had an age related crises I was given a lovely necklace. I was hoping for something really spectacular this year. It wasn't until Monday when Mom said, "I can't believe you're going to be 26" that I was brought kicking and screaming to face reality.
I lost an entire year of my life.
I only had THREE DAYS to prepare myself that I am now closer to thirty than I am to twenty.
As an early way to celebrate, my jaw decide to partially dislocate itself. You may recall (I'm sure everyone takes detailed notes on my physical history) that I have been suffering from recurring ear infections/sinus infections/jaw pain/feeling like my head was going to explode since December. I tried four different kinds of medicine including a steroid shot in my back side. I know. The fun never ends over here. I finally saw a specialist a few weeks ago who informed me that my ears and sinuses weren't currently infected, and the root of the problem was my jaw. To be specific, it's not hinged properly and probably hasn't been since, say it with me, December. Now I feel like I've been walking around with half my face hanging off. She told me to wear a mouth guard while I sleep and we'll reevaluate things in a few months. The mouth guard is as flattering as it sounds. Add Christopher's sleep apnea machine to the picture and we have all the married romance I envisioned when I was 18.

The only bright side to my old age is I've only found one new gray hair so far. But maybe my eyes are getting so bad I didn't see the rest.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

vote for me and you'll get a sparkly pink sticker

Over the weekend we drove to Atlanta to visit Christopher's grandmother. After the Columbus car break in and the tour of Texas hospitals last month I was expecting the worst to happen on this trip. Forget about low expectations, I set my expectations at zero. I fully prepared myself for the car to catch on fire or someone's appendix to burst. I believe the word you're looking for is optimistic.

Thankfully we enjoyed a three day visit with very little crying and no sickness. Annabelle and Great Gran were thick as thieves by the time we left. We went swimming, visited C's aunt and uncle, and ate at Ihop where AB licked the remaining drops out of all the empty half and half containers. We've been making our child's vacation dreams a reality since 2014.

We did have one problem. More of a disagreement than a problem, really. Christopher and I have an on-going disagreement about the appropriateness/legality of stopping at a hotel to use their lobby restroom instead of using the restrooms at a rest stop. One of us says it's wrong because we're not paying customers, the other says it's perfectly fine because A) there are no signs forbidding it and B) the paying customers have their own restrooms.

Please help us resolve this issue. The peace of our next car trip may depend on you. No pressure!

(Please don't let Christopher win this one. He still brings up how he won the best ways to defrost raw chicken poll a few years ago.)

Thursday, May 21, 2015

I'm available whenever People magazine would like a use me as a source

I had a few things to discuss such as the two girls who came to my door looking to be adopted and how I recently learned that my jaw is dislocated, but as of last night I have bigger news to talk about. I know a guy on The Bachelorette.

Yes, I watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

I have no morals.

Last night I went to watch the premiere with Tiffany. For some reason Christopher wasn't jumping at the chance to watch it with me. We were sitting on the couch eating strawberries and carrot sticks because Tiffany is very good about eating healthy (I'm trying to get better about it myself even though I had an undisclosed number of chocolates today) when I heard the words "from Rhode Island". My ears perked up because RI is near my hometown and I know many people who live there. Imagine my surprise when onto the screen popped Jared, a guy I know from my days volunteering at the childrens hospital. I yelled. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I get that The Bachelorette isn't the top story on 60 minutes, but it's not everyday I see someone I know on television. It's certainly not everyday I see someone I worked with talking about his alter ego named Love Man.
The only reason he didn't include me in his answer below is that he reached his 160 character limit.
I now feel personally invested in the show and have no option but to continue watching. After all, he gave us a wedding gift so it would be rude not to support him from my couch. He gave us a gift card to JCrew and a book called The Idiots Guide to a Happy Marriage.
If he wins you better believe he'll be getting his own copy of that book from yours truly.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Currently, the Tuesday Edition

Reliving: my mini vacation aka trip to the dentist last week. I always thought moms who talked about the dentist being like a vacation were a little off their rocker. Call me off my rocker but I enjoyed sitting in the waiting room with no one to entertain. My book and I were happy campers. Add carrying a purse instead of a diaper bag and I asked myself what new type of paradise was I living.

Wondering if: I grind my teeth when I sleep. The dental assistant asked me and I wanted to reply that I am not responsible for or conscious of what I do in my sleep but I didn't. I do know that I never swear when I'm awake but according to sources who shall not be named, I swore twice when I was sleeping while pregnant. Just another great pregnancy side effect.

Putting on: Annabelle's shoes 14 times a day. She recently started a shoe obsession and must have shoes on her feet at all time, even if she's wearing footie pajamas. She's very klassy and obviously takes after her mother. Lately she's been waking up screaming every night around 10:30 like she's having a bad dream. Christopher is always the one who goes in to comfort her and the other night she had just calmed down when she started pointing to the closet. He brought her over to look in it and she started pointing at her bumblebee shoes. She held onto them while she went back to sleep. Ok then. Whatever floats your little boat and gets you back to sleep.
Add a necklace and sunglasses and she's a happy little fashionista.
Making: strawberry jam with the berries we picked on Sunday. I thought I had reached the pinnacle of homemaking last summer when I made tomato sauce with tomatoes that I grew, but today I may have reached new heights. I made the mistake of letting AB try the jelly while it was cooking and she spent the next forty minutes rotating between playing with the recyclables and standing in front of the stove with her mouth open like a baby bird begging for more.

Eating: strawberry jelly by the spoonful. Don't judge me!

Teaching: Annabelle new words in sign language. We were at a restaurant on Saturday and she correctly signed "more food, please". I was so proud. She then threw the food on the floor.

Watching: Friends. Since Downton Abby isn't back yet and I finished Gilmore Girls (SOB), Friends has become my new show. I used to think I wanted to live in Stars Hollow but now I'm thinking I might want to live in Monica and Rachel's apartment. The perfect world would be one where Monica's apartment is located in Loralei's house , Mr. Carson brings me tea and cake, and I spend the evening with the Braverman family.
Jealous of: Rachel's hair. The highlights. The cut. The way it never gets messed up. It's everything my hair will never be.

Reading: The Language of Flowers, In This House We will Giggle, and Look What I the School! Reading is a bit generous of a word. It's more like skimming a few sentences at a time until my boss lady dear child requires something. 

Pondering: the feasibility of a) cloning myself or b) figuring out how to stop time. I'd like the ability to simultaneously blog, read, clean up the house and take a nap while AB takes hers. Is that so much?!

Buying: new pillows. I broke my self-made rule of not buying new household items within six months of moving but I couldn't help it. The pillows happened on sale at Kirklands and I happened to receive an additional 10% off courtesy of my military ID and somehow, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW, I drove home with a new pillow. Even though Christopher and I had a discussion about that very pillow in the store a few months ago and I don't remember any negative comments at the time, he wasn't as enthusiastic about my exciting purchase. He said it was "too sparkly". Ironically the sparkle is why I bought it.

Returning: my new pillow.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Mothers Day, Edition Two

Look how tiny she was back in October. Somebody make the growing stop!!
Don't act like you're surprised we're matching. I planned our wardrobe weeks in advance. Even Christopher got on board by wearing blue to church.

Two years running and our mother/daughter matching game is as strong as ever. Excuse me while I shed more tears over tiny AB. (Also. Can we discuss how exhausted I looked last year? Good grief.)

I love this picture. She's telling me I'm her favorite mom, she loves me so much and she wants go celebrate the day by showcasing her new screeching ability. As a cherry on top, she will drop her food on the floor and pretend it's confetti.
After church Sesame and I went on a little date to Dunkin Donuts. She already loves their hash browns so I feel my job of training her in the way she should go is complete. When she got up from her nap we went strawberry picking with Tiffany. She looks as cool as a cucumber in November while my offspring and I are a lovely shade of Glistening Red. 
Annabelle was obviously a big help picking berries. 

When we got home I brought Annabelle out to swim in her pool and play with Harriet Tubman the cat. (I don't know why I specified Harriet Tubman is the cat. It's not as if the original Harriet Tubman would make an appearance on our porch.) While we were playing, Christopher assembled my gift- a jewelry armoire that is so beautiful I could stare at it for hours. I was Shocked with a capital S. I would have been perfectly happy with flowers and a hug but they (mostly the baby, naturally) went above and beyond. They're pretty good people. I guess I'll stick around with them for a few more decades.
You'd think we could have utilized the timer on the camera to take a family picture.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A day in my life. The diary of a one year old.

6:54- I wake up and start my morning monologue until Mama comes to get me up.
7:02- First breakfast!
7:08- Story time. We read Mother Goose four times. Mom tries to read me a chapter book while I pull everything off the shelves.
7:54- Time to go downstairs! We open the blinds and look at our neighbors driveways to see who's home. Dad says it nosy but Mom says it being informed.
8:05- Mom gets dressed in the bathroom while I sit outside the door and holler.
8:10- I discover the closet door is open so I go right in and pull robes onto the floor.
8:20- Breakfast outside! We usually eat breakfast inside but we ate supper outside last night and Mom forgot to bring my highchair in so she said it would be less work to eat out there. I eat corn flakes with milk for the first time. I don't understand this concept of eating crunchy and liquid food at the same time.
8:40- The neighbor's cat comes over. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
9:02- The cat leaves and I'm bored so I start to climb into my pool. Mom says it's not swimming time yet but I don't mind because THE CAT IS BACK!!!!!
9:40- Daddy comes back from pt an hour late. I show him my shoes.
9:44- I insist Mom puts my shoes on before I enjoy my first morning snack.
10:00- Nap #1.
11:20- Naptime ends
11:22- I eat my toothbrush while playing with an empty vitamin container and a ball. I realize I'm not being held and start to cry. I cry almost every time I'm farther than 3 centimeters from Mom.
11:50- Mom makes me pasta for lunch but I want no part of it. I eat 3/4 of a banana instead.
12:20- I get my hand stuck in the trash can while attempting to pull out the banana peel.
12:50- Mom says we have errands to do so she puts me in my car seat. I sit there for at least 10 minutes while she cleans the living room and looks for my bow. She forgot she gave me it to me to hold.
1:15- Mom lets me hold a balloon at Walgreens. I am giddy with excitement. She shows me a animated card of Minnie Mouse using a hula hoop and I freak out. That's not the Minnie I know and love.
1:32- We find Minnie Mouse fabric at the Hob Lob! Mom says she'll make me a dress with it but then she puts it back and says it isn't nice enough. What? Who will be wearing the dress? ME, that's who. I liked the fabric.
2:10- Back at home and Mom's laying on the floor "resting". I stick my toothbrush in her mouth. She doesn't like it.
2:22- Nap #2.
3:48- I'm up! I'm up! I want to play outside! Mama puts on my swim diaper and bathing suit. I walk around the deck while eating an apple slice and feeling very important.

4:14- I find a giant beetle in my pool and pick it. It gets stuck to my hand and Mom freaks out and smacks it off. I don't care if it's stuck to me so I pick it up again. Mom will only pick it up with a shovel. She says it needs to go "see its mommy". (Editorial comment: I threw it over the side of the deck.)
5:12- I can't believe Mama thinks she needs to make supper. I hold onto her leg and cry until she picks me up. I'm not interested in playing with my blocks. I want my mother.
5:47- I take a pause from holding onto Mom and recognize that Dad's home.
6:12- Tacos for supper. I love it all, but especially the cheese. I make a huge mess on my chair and the floor, but that's how I roll.
6:58- Mom gives me a bath and gets my pajamas on. I'm not a fan of having my hair washed. It's like she thinks I have taco meat up there or something.
7:15- We go for our nightly walk. We see the cat on our way back and Mom names it Harriet Tubman. I think my favorite phrase "uh-oh'' is a better name.
8:02- I go to bed 32 minutes after my bedtime. I decide I'm not into this bed business and cry until Daddy comes and gives me a bottle. He's all I need.
8:44- One hour and fourteen minutes after bedtime and I'm just now about to fall asleep. I think I'll dream about Harriet Tubman.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

I can't think of a more creative title than "We went to Texas and all got sick"

We just returned from an eight day trip to visit Christopher's family in Texas. It didn't go exactly as planned. Allow me to (briefly) elaborate on the first six days.

* Annabelle had the worlds worst blowout as we were pulling into the airport. Never had she ever done such a thing. Christopher stripped her down in the parking lot while I attempted to clean her car seat, gagging the entire time.
* She choose sitting on my lap on the plane as the perfect opportunity for her first time to throw up all over herself, the seat, and me. I walked through the airport smelling like a garbage heap and not looking much better. I had no pride left.
* She had two more blowouts on the way to the hotel.
* Vomit City, USA
* Christopher and I were hit with the same cursed virus.
* She lay on the hotel bed calling for her Memere and saying "tummy, tummy" over and over.
* We visited four (count them- 1,2,3,4) urgent care centers/er's because she kept getting sick, having blowouts, burning with fever and barely eating or drinking. I was so worried she was dehydrated. On the way to the last hospital I told Christopher that I wouldn't leave until they gave her an iv. The doctor refused and the only thing that kept me from hurling the stool at him was that I was holding the sick baby. Five days later and I'm still so mad at him.

All I wanted to do was curl up and take a 72 hour nap.

But it certainly wasn't all poop and puke. We went swimming and to the playground with the cousins and to a candy store Christopher visited when he was little. We spent a few hours at the beach.

Annabelle's grandmother and aunt had a little Hawaiian birthday party for her. She was somewhat of a stick in the mud the whole time but I thought it was the sweetest.

Our fourth anniversary was on Wednesday. The traditional four year gift is fruits and flowers we thought it appropriate to visit a botanical garden (which turned out to be a rainforest as hot as the surface of the sun) and aquarium. We were childless and carefree, just like back in the olden days of early 2014.
We returned home on Thursday without anyone throwing up on the plane or messing up their car seat. Miracles still happen!

Saturday, May 2, 2015

in honor of the new princess

In the event that you live under a rock and didn't hear the news, Kate Middleton had her baby today. As Princess Annabelle accurately predicted a few months ago, the new baby is a little girl. We look forward to meeting AB's future sister in law any day now.

We wore our tiaras and royal sashes to celebrate.

PS. I cannot get over how good Kate looked leaving the hospital. I know she has hair and makeup people but still. When I left the hospital I looked seven months pregnant, my face was as round as a basketball, I was wearing maternity pants and my feet were too swollen to fit into my shoes. I want to send Kate a gift basket full of sweatpants and a variety of pain killers.