at least we still have memes

I am over this stupid virus. 

OVER IT. 

I really reached a breaking point with it last week. I so desperately want life to be normal again. I don't want to worry about visiting family because I might get my grandma sick. I hate going to the store with people who stand a mile away at check out like they think one of the other customers is about to explode. I remember back in March, at the very beginning of quarantine, saying to Christopher that if "they" could promise this would all be over by July 1st I'd stay home and do whatever they asked so life could get back to normal. July seemed so far off and I needed to hold onto the hope that it would be over by then. Young, naive Sarah. When all the protests started, I kept thinking, "If only we could go back to only having the virus to worry about." 

I haven't had a wedding or graduation canceled, but it hasn't been a walk in the park either. The beginning of the virus coincided with the beginning of my ectopic pregnancy. I spent weeks going to the doctor every few days for ultrasounds and blood tests. I'd slink out of the house praying that the neighbors weren't watching and judging for me leaving again. At the time, our town had the third-highest number of cases per capita in the world but I had to go to the hospital for a shot in the midst of it all. The nurse didn't know where to put me so I sat next to the nurses' station while the vice president of the hospital and several high ups stood three feet away from me and planned how to turn that wing of the hospital into the new covid-specific emergency room. Two hours later, they started bringing positive cases in, walking them right by me.

Annabelle's emotions have been up and down. Some days she's fine but everything in her little world is topsy turvy. She's desperate to see friends. Every time she asks to play with a new friend it's a dance of "Are you ok getting together? I am but if you're not, that's fine! We can see you in 14 weeks if things have improved!" By now we know who is and who isn't fine with visits so at least we have that. We can't go to splash pads or library activities. She put a tiny paper mask on her doll and it made me tear up. I don't want her growing up in this new world. 

I want to go to the store without worrying. Our TJMaxx was open for several weeks before I went in. I didn't want a visit to my favorite store to be ruined by masks and directional stickers on the floor. Some of the arrows were pointing in opposite directions in one-way aisles so it was impossible to follow. We went to Bath & Body Works but we had to call first to see if they were open because we can't assume these days. They were, but only allowed 13 people in at a time. Trying to keep us separated seemed pointless when we were all standing next to each other to pick up and smell candles and lotions. The cashier told me to put the items on the counter so she wouldn't have to touch them, but she touched them anyway when she put them in the bag. At Publix, their new thing is to make the customers stand so far away from the card reader that it can't physically be reached. Once the bagger is done bagging the customer is ''allowed" to move forward and pay. Meanwhile over in produce, Elmer is chatting with everyone while he restocks peaches and peppers a foot away from shoppers. Kevin is restocking crackers right next to customers. I know everyone is doing the best they can and none of us have gone through this before, but I don't understand some decisions. 

Don't get me started on having to make educational choices for this year.

On the very tiny bright side, there's a small part of me that likes that literally everyone in the world is being affected by the same thing. I used to say delivering a baby was the great equalizer and I'm going to add global pandemics to the list. We used to talk about the weather when there was nothing else to say. Now we talk about what has become the new hot commodity at the grocery store. It's fascinating to read articles and watch videos by people going through the same thing in other countries. High School Musical was ahead of the times when they sang, "We're all in this together" back in 2006.

I know we're very fortunate and that millions of people have it much worse, but it's still hard. It's like we're living in a snowglobe that's been shaken, thrown against the wall, shattered into a hundred pieces then stomped on by a bull. But let me tell you how I really feel! I'm so thankful that Annabelle doesn't know the full extent of what's happening. Last night at bedtime she prayed, "Thank you that everything is going so well." I'm glad she feels that way! 

it's all fun and games until you don't know how to dial the phone

 This about sums up 2020 so far, wouldn't you say?

For all the horrible things that happened last week, I present two bright spots- Americans went into space for the first time in nearly a decade and I doubled my previous Tetris score. They are both of equal importance and value to society. As many people want to interview me for my accomplish-ments as want to interview the astronauts. I'll happily offer my advanced gaming critical thinking and block organizing skilz to Bob and Doug.

Thursdays aren't the most exciting day of the week to have a birthday but Christopher and Annabelle made it festive for me. Annabelle drew me this picture with the following note which translates (I've been told) to "Happy birthday! Yum yum we're making strawberry shortcake! Snuggle contest!"

Normally I go to the florist and pick out my own birthday bouquet, but this year I sent Christopher a list of flowers I wanted to be included or left out along with the number to the florist and he got them for me. Linus has since eaten half a rose and several hydrangea flowers.

Rumor has it that yesterday was the last Sunday before we can go back to church like normal. "Like normal" is a generous term as we'll be meeting in cars or chairs in the parking lot like we're attending a little league game but at least we'll be with others. If you had asked me when this pandemic started what I thought I'd miss, not going to church wouldn't have been the top of the list but after 13 weeks away I'll be so glad to be back. 

That being said, I've kind of enjoyed the Sunday morning routine we got into these last months. Christopher sleeps late while AB and I play. At 11 we gather at Gray Couch Church and watch the service. I usually cross stitch and Annabelle either colors or does sewing. We have logged in late a few times which is pathetic considering we have to travel exactly zero miles to be at church.

It's only Monday but this has not been a great week for homeownership. One of the lights and fan in the kitchen went out several weeks ago and we haven't gotten it fixed. The dishwasher is on its last legs and when I went to unload it, most of the dishes were still dirty so I unloaded it and washed everything by hand. Annabelle washed her hands in the bathroom and says she only touched the light fixture ("I promise I didn't swing on it!"), but the bathroom light, the remaining kitchen light, washing machine and dryer, as well as the dishwasher all stopped working. I didn't know the dishwasher had stopped working until I loaded it all with the supper dishes. I had to unload and handwash all the dishes I had just put in. The circuit panel was installed upside down and it's unclear whether the paper labeling which switches goes with which room is also upside down. The handle on the door to the backyard that we use dozens of times a day fell off in my hand. It wouldn't open from the inside but would from the outside so it became a oneway door. Christopher got the handle to go back on but it's hanging on by the metal equivalent of a thread. 

Actual footage of money leaving our bank account to pay for these repairs.

The electrician and I played phone tag all day. I called both their numbers this morning and left two messages but heard nothing back. I went to call them an hour ago and saw that earlier I had dialed the area code wrong and called someone in Ontario. Bob and Doug will not be asking me to head up their communications department. 

chit chat about nothing

I have two, with a pending third, things in the books for next week so our schedule is about to get full again. What kind of wild life are we living with THREE events in one week? Counting the couch repairman coming as a "wild life" is a bit of a stretch, but such are the times we're living in. 

Annabelle was recently asking for specifics about adoption while we were driving with the windows down. "I was wondering how you pick a child. Is it like a deli? Or is it more like a pizza delivery? Or like a restaurant where you order? And can you turn down the sound of the wind for me?" The answer is no to all those questions. 

We were on our morning walk and she was chatting as she usually does. "I can't wait for spring to finish so summer can start and finish and then fall can start." "What's going to happen in the fall?" I asked. "I'll get to do school and learn lots of new things and it will be so fun." I think she meant she'll be excited for the homeschool groups to start back up, but we're still doing school for this year! She does not seem so excited about doing it every morning. 

AB spent a significant amount of time on Tuesday evening crying. She would not tell me what was wrong, but she requested I "leave and shut the door' when I went to check on her in her room. She lay on her bed, crying and sniffling. All she could get out was the quarantine might have something to do with it. Yesterday I was in the other room and I heard her pause her story multiple to say something. I thought she was talking to me but she said she wasn't. Later on, she paused the story again and said, "Dear Lord. Please help me not to have a loose tooth." Then later, "Dear Lord. Please help me not to believe I have a loose tooth." I had to break it to her that losing teeth is going to happen, regardless of how much she prays for the contrary. We're in for a long road of it if she gets so upset at the thought of losing teeth when she doesn't have any loose ones. Hopefully getting money from the Tooth Fairy every time will make it a little easier. 

We pay a yard crew to do our lawn. They do the grass and we do the weeding, trimming (when the trimmer works), etc. The other day they were over at the same time as I was out watering the tiny plants in my garden. One of them said something about how he had used bug spray last time he was over and for me to let him know if I didn't want anything sprayed. He gestured to my flower garden and said, "Did you plant something there?" "Yes, I put flower seeds in a few weeks ago. Is that a problem? Should I have done it somewhere else?" Why would I ask if it was a problem? It's my garden! I'm too much of a people pleaser. Oh, my garden in my own yard is possibly in your way? Let me dig up the whole thing and move it somewhere more convenient for you. While I'm at it, how about I take down any pictures from my walls that aren't your style? Lawn Guy stared at me. He only wanted to know if he should spray it or not. 

I'm am a very frugal person but this quarantine is turning me into a woman who wants to press buy now on purchases left and right. I have wanted to purchase many unnecessary items but the latest is a new low. The Jawzersize promises me a chiseled jaw in 60 days. Reduction of double chins! Free shipping on US orders! SIGN ME UP. I could work on my jawline while Annabelle uses her jaw to tell endless stories about her perspective on the day she was born.

day in the life, quarantine edition

Tuesday, May 5th

5:45am- Christopher's alarm goes off in 15-minute increments until he gets up at 6:30.

6:45- My alarm went off but evidently I turned it off and go back to sleep.

7:43- I was awakened by Annabelle in the doorway asking for breakfast. She must be going through a growth spurt. She used to lay in bed and cuddle and we could start the day slowly but those days are gone. She skips all the morning sentimentality and asks to eat instantly. I sent her in the kitchen to get the cereal while I get dressed and made the bed.

8:02- She tells me we have no milk but I had the foresight to buy an extra gallon and put it in the outside freezer. I go out there but there is no milk to be found. I look in the kitchen refrigerator but it isn't there. I go back out to the garage in case I missed it, but missing a gallon of milk in a mostly empty refrigerator seemed unlikely. I later learned Christopher threw it out because it went bad.

8:12- We decide to fry quail eggs instead. I had never eaten quails or their eggs, but I bought them on a whim at the grocery store then side-eyed them for several days without trying them. It seemed like the day to try them and they were surprisingly good. AB likes to crack eggs but we didn't know quail eggs have a thicker shell so she banged it harder and harder until it exploded on her hair and my shirt.

9:00- We went on our daily walk and met a new neighbor and his dog. He gave a lengthy explanation of the meaning behind his dog's name.  

9:45- We started the school day with reading and handwriting. I called the furniture company about a rip in the couch and the woman told me to text her a picture of the rip so she could assess the damage. I do it immediately but she never responded and I didn't think any more about it. 

10:30- The kitchen sink leaked and soaked my new kitchen rug. I took everything out from under the sink and used all our rags drying it up. Linus escaped out the back door and charged around the yard like a wild animal. I got him back in the house and made myself an ice coffee. I seldom drink coffee in the morning but I could see where this day was going and I needed to brace myself.

11:15- We went out on the deck to practice reading Ollie the Goose. Christopher came home early and Annabelle read to him.

11:50- We finished making our tin can telephones. We experimented the day before with paper cups because we only had one empty can, but I emptied another so we could do it the real way. We were unsuccessful and heard nothing through the cans.

12:00- I made lunch while Annabelle listened to Samantha, made paper dolls and requested a pre-lunch snack of crackers. While we eat lunch she kept listening to Samantha so I could read my book.

12:30- The sink leaked again so I took everything out again and dried it down again. I went to put the wet towels in the laundry room and discovered that one of the cats (my money is on Lucy) peed in the laundry basket. Generally, when they have accidents it's because their litter box is full. I changed the litter but the bag I put it in had a hole so it spilled all over the floor. Meanwhile, AB was in my room cutting out paper snowflakes as one does in May.

I turned around and these jokers were relaxing on the table
 like they're the ones who had a stressful day.

12:58- I made a second ice coffee.

1:00- I got a text from a random number saying they didn't need a picture of my couch.That explains 
why Sharon never responded hours before.

1:02- I cannot explain why I looked this up, but for the next fifteen minutes I researched artificial eyes. 

1:15- I needed to print something for school but Annabelle used the last of the printer paper for her snowflakes. She's used several small trees worth of paper since January.

1:25 to 5:30- We finished school, played in the living room, reading Ollie, made a phone call, dug out the slipnslide, found the pump, inflated the slipnslide, handed out snacks, did laundry, watered plants, prepped supper and attempted to blog. Tuesday afternoons are supposed to be my afternoon off. I try to keep it free for reading, crafting or whatever I want to do. I try not to do cleaning or house-related things but sometimes it doesn't work out well. Every time I started to do my own thing I got disrupted by something. I got more frustrated than I should have and raised my voice before deciding to give up on my afternoon off. 

6:23- We had roasted brussel sprouts and carrots and chicken marsala for supper. Annabelle asked about America's allies and Christopher's deployments.

7:15- I was desperately in need of alone time so I let the others clean up from supper while I planted my flowers and went for a walk. I listened to The Giver of Stars while I walked. It was so good. When I get back, I took a shower then did devotions with Annabelle and put her to bed. We've had the Jesus Storybook Bible for years and years but never read it for two reasons. One, it's extremely popular and I have an issue with getting on some very popular trains. Two, I could never get past the illustrations. I HATE them. I think they're horrendous and a blindfolded child could do better. If the illustrator ever reads this, I mean no ill-will against you! I'm sure you're great! The pictures are just not my type of art. My refusal to read it was the very definition of judging a book by its cover. But a few months ago we exhausted all our other Bible storybooks so I started to read it. Low and behold, it's pretty good. That may be why it's sold millions of copies and has been translated in 38 languages. A few times a week we do this prayer journal as well. 

9:30ish- I do a few things on the computer then we watch two episodes of Community. 

(not much of a) wild Wednesday

I tried all day yesterday to blog but every single time I sat down, the cat ran out of the house or the laundry needed to be switched or Miss No Personal Bubble was three inches from my face.

We celebrated our anniversary last week by wearing fancy clothes and eating takeout in the dining room. I hadn't worn the dress since I was slightly smaller so it didn't zip all the way in the back but no one else was at Restaurant de Personal Dining Room so it didn't matter. Annabelle ate in the kitchen while facetiming with Grammy and Elizabeth. It worked out well for all involved. Somehow we've been married for nine years but it feels like two. It's gone by SO fast.

Annabelle wrote us this card. "Der mom and dad. Hop you hav a hape anovrsre." 

Poor Sesame was getting droopy and sad last week from missing her friends and her normal life. I've tried to keep as much of a normal schedule as possible while adding in a little extra fun, but I can't replace her swimming, ballet or playdates. Several times I'd find her laying on the floor in her bedroom or the living room, staring into space. I decided we needed to get out of the house so Monday we had a Mommy Sesame date. We needed to go grocery shopping anyway, so we drove an hour and a half to a town with an Aldis and an open park. There were very few people at the park so we weren't in anyone's way. It made me so happy to see her splashing around. She kept telling me, "This is the best quarantine day I've ever had." 

Reading for pleasure has finally started to click for AB. She loves the Ollie the gossling books and we've read all the stories our library has in the series. She likes to sit in one chair on the deck with I sit in another and she reads to me. It's still not completely smooth sailing but it's much better than a few months ago. I don't particularly enjoy teaching reading but it's very rewarding that she's getting into it. 

Other than that it's been "normal" shelter in place life. Our state has eased up some and technically we're allowed to go out as we please, but the numbers are still rising so no new stores opened up and we're not going out any more than before. We are now allowed to resume getting tattoos which is not something I ever consider getting, but quarantine Sarah is getting restless so who knows what a wild Wednesday night may bring. I don't understand how we're to maintain the preferred 6ft apart when getting a tattoo but I'll keep you posted if I try it. Maybe I'll get AB's anovrsre letter tattooed on my forehead.  

Quarantine Diaries, Vol. 2

It looks like we'll have to move again which is a shame because I love our house.

I saw two frogs in my yard.

The first one was on my car. I was going to get Christopher to deal with it but the car windows were open and I was worried the frog would hop into the car while I was finding him. Besides, I am woman hear me roar and all that. I swatted it off with a piece of mail while gagging. A few days later I went out to water the strawberry plants. I aimed the hose into the watering can and came face to face with a frog. I screamed and kicked the watering can. So much for "hear me roar." More like "hear me scream like a great lady who has seen a mouse." At the same time, something fell out of the tree above me and landed on my head. It cannot be confirmed, but I assume it was another frog.  I blasted the water into the can for a good 30 seconds to get the frog out before realizing that the frog wasn't even in it. He was sitting on the outside watching me like a lump on a log. I blasted him again and again while he lazily hopped around the yard. Did I blast him for longer than necessary? Yes. Would I have been upset if I drowned him? No. 

If anyone knows of a reptile free home please let me know. Until we find a suitable spot, I will be living with my family in sanitized boxes at the end of the driveway.

Speaking of sanitation, I found a random container of Clorox wipes and several small bottles of hand sanitizer in the closet. Being a semi hoarder prepared with multiple supplies has paid off. I also ended up with four digital thermometers which I will admit is a bit excessive, but I'll be ready when the first three die!

Our new corona routine is pretty well established. It's not all that different from our BC (Before Coronavirus) routine but we've made a few changes. Going for a walk before we start school has helped us get through the morning more smoothly. I didn't realize how much I relied on the alone time during AB's ballet and swimming lessons, but now that I don't have it I really miss it. I don't know why but it seems like much more than two hours when we're trying to fill the time at home. I haven't been feeling well for most of this pandemic which adds a layer of difficulty but we're getting by. The mental part has gotten to me so I have to make a real effort to be more patient with Annabelle. I know this upheaval affects her too so I'm trying to find ways for her to get out of the house more. Last Friday we went to the farm to pick strawberries. We were so excited to see somewhere new. We were like prisoners seeing the sun for the first time in eight years. Appropriate distance was maintained by all and while we barely came into contact with anyone, it was nice to see other people across the field.

Annabelle kept saying, "I had so much fun picking strawberries and seeing the goats. This is a good Mama Sesame date."

We went really wild and ran into the grocery store after berry picking. AB has to either fold her hands or I put a wipe on the cart and she puts her hand on that.  Every time I go to the store it looks different. I didn't know the aisles had been changed to one-way so I kept going the wrong way. There are more tape squares on the floor showing everyone where to stand. A cashier kept yelling, "Social distance! Social distance!" which was unnecessary. No one in the checkout line was doing the ''wrong'' thing. Give us the information and trust us all to stand in the right blue square. She made my very small contrary streak come out. It's interesting/sad to see what the new hot items are. I usually buy two soaps so I have a backup (see above where I discuss my desire to be prepared) but this week the sign said I was only allowed to buy one. 

We've been getting any craft supplies from Michael's curbside pickup but I needed to run in for something. The manager was standing at the locked door and only unlocking it to let customers out and counting everyone who wanted to get in. She only let in ten people at a time and we had a 15-minute time limit. It made me really sad. 

Lucy is dealing with this new life in the right way. Let's all take naps until this is over. 

Corona Easter

Like everyone else across the world, we celebrated Easter from our couch. Quite honestly, I was not in a celebratory mood. I told Christopher on Saturday that I wanted to cancel Easter all together but that wouldn't have been fair to AB. I knew Easter was coming but I thought it was later in the month so I hadn't bought anything to put in Easter eggs. On Saturday a friend dropped off a plant for me, a bag of chocolates and a few little activities for Annabelle. One of the activities was a Harry Potter book with little Lego character. Before I gave her the book I took the Lego off and hid it in my purse. We put one lego piece in each of the first eggs and a chocolate egg in the others. Jesus may have saved the world but AB's 6-year-old friend saved her easter egg gifts. I was prepared for her easter basket. I picked up some outdoor play dishes from Target that say let's play in my mud kitchen and two magic glow in the dark pens. 

This flower cross was outside our church. Please refer back to when
I said I forgot about Easter so we did not contribute any flowers.  

I asked that everyone dress up as if we were going to church. Just because we weren't going anywhere didn't mean we should dress like hobos. Plus there's only a limited number of years left where Annabelle will willingly wear smocked dresses so I need to milk it for all it's worth. There was a small part of me that was sad the old ladies at church couldn't see how cute she looked but we've all had to give up something and I can give up compliments for a few weeks longer. 

Christopher hid the eggs as usual and as usual Sesame Pie missed the most obvious ones. 

We did a video chat with several of my relatives across six states and three time zones. It was a feat of modern technology that we were all together. We had 14 different screens to keep track of and the connections were going in and out so it was a lot of talking over each other, but that made it seem like holidays back home.

Last, but certainly not least, Annabelle and I revealed the latest trick we pulled on Christopher. We're always trying to trick him and it usually looks like Annabelle giving him room temperature coke or hiding his socks. I appreciate her enthusiasm but we needed to up the game a bit. A few weeks ago we saw a car with huge eyelashes attached to the headlights. We giggled about how funny it would be to put eyelashes on Christopher's car and thus was born our next trick. I didn't buy the 3d lashes because they were over $30 and we have a small trick budget. I got eyelash decals instead which did not pack the same punch but I didn't want to waste the $8.97 I paid. I put them on last Sunday and all week AB and I had conversations about whether or not he saw them. To be fair they are very small and subtle, but I guarantee you I'd have noticed them on my car within the first 36 hours. Part of me wanted to see how many weeks we could make it but we decided to tell him on after Easter dinner.

We each stood on one side of the light and made comments like "How's your car?" "Do you need a car wash?" He noticed right away and we could not stop laughing. "We got him, Mama! We got him!" He said. "I've been going to Home Depot and feeling manly all week and this whole time I had eyelashes on my car?!" 

I don't want to repeat a quarantined Easter but pranking Christopher seems like a good tradition to keep alive.

Tune in when I sing for Jimmy Fallon

I think we can all agree that we're living in less than ideal times. It's only a matter of weeks before I write a list of coronavirus grievances, but today I'm looking on the bright side of our current life.


+ Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show: At Home Edition. These episodes never fail to make me smile. His wife seems sweet and his girls are so fun to watch. His house is a cross between a treehouse and an old persons house which is not at all what I pictured. JF, if you're reading this I have some questions about your decor. Have your people send my people an email.

+ The memes have been spectacular.

+ John Krasinski's Some Good News show.  This is PERFECT when everything seems like it's falling apart and you need a little pick me up. Everything he shows are positives coming from the virus and I love it. Years ago I tried to start a newspaper with the same theme called The Sunshine Times. It never took off because no one besides my mother subscribed. I'm sure the fact that the printer never worked was not a factor.

+ The royal family released a video of George, Charlotte and Louis clapping for health care workers. I watched it several times and showed Christopher. I should know better than to discuss the royals with him but I try anyway. Hope springs eternal. He glanced at it and said, "It's just a video of kids clapping, right? Am I missing something?" This is who I have to be quarantined with! He has no appreciation for the finer things in life.

+ The Getty Art Museum put out a challenge to recreate famous paintings using items from around the house. We're going to pick some paintings to do this week.

+ We've been able to take so many walks. We're getting stir crazy so as COO of this house I instated morning walks before school as well as our evening walk with Christopher. We're in the itty bitty sweet spot that is lovely weather before the gnats and stupid heat hit. Last year I said many a prayer asking God to take care of the gnat problem and there were less gnats. Had I known about the dumpster fire this year would be I would have started the 2020 gnat prayers on January 1st.

+ I love seeing how people are banding together to help each other and pass the time. Several neighborhoods have put bears in their windows/yards for kids to find on a ''bear hunt." We put two in our windows and this week we're going to put easter egg pictures up. 

+ Engineers in Italy figured out how to make ventilators using 3D printers and snorkel masks. God bless the Italians.

+ If nothing else, I can now spell quarantine without spellcheck.

+ Finally, I spent half the night and most of the morning writing a song that I believe will be topping the charts in no time. It is an ode to our current life.

There is a Virus

There is a virus thats attacked the world

And covid is its name

C-O-V-I-D

C-O-V-I-D

C-O-V-I-D 

and covid is its name.

The doctors office needs supplies

And everyone wants masks

M-A-S-K-S

M-A-S-K-S

M-A-S-K-S
And everyone wants masks.

The stores are out of soap and TP
Because the people are going crazy

C-R-A-Z-Y
C-R-A-Z-Y
C-R-A-Z-Y

All the people are going crazy

We can't see family, friends or neighbors
So we are all alone

A-L-O-N-E

A-L-O-N-E

A-L-O-N-E

So we are all alone

We stay at home and play with chalk

Lots and lots of chalk

C-H-A-L-K

C-H-A-L-K

C-H-A-L-K

Lots and lots of chalk

We go for walks in the morning and at noon

And then again at night

W-A-L-K-S

W-A-L-K-S
W-A-L-K-S

And then again at night

No one knows how long it will last

It could be months or years

Y-E-A-R-S
Y-E-A-R-S
Y-E-A-R-S

It could be months or years

So grab a beverage and a snack

Cause we'll be here a while

S-N-A-C-K
S-N-A-C-K
S-N-A-C-K

Cause we'll be here a while

© 2020 Quarantine Records

He who shall not be named but whose name rhymes with Shmistopher said it "has a lot of syllables." Being a hit composer is hard. There's so much negativity.  

quarantine diaries

Well, hello.

What's up? Anything new? Is all calm and peaceful in your neck of the woods? 

Wouldn't mind being quarantined here.

We spent last week recovering from a very intense sickness we picked up while on a cruise. St. Thomas souvenir germs if you will. The beginning of the sickness coincided with when coronavirus started to snowball downhill which was not comforting. It felt like bronchitis plus strep throat plus a sinus infection. I have not felt so sick in years. It was MISERABLE. I told Christopher he could not get what I had because I wouldn't be able to handle that level of manflu. We would need to quarantine for the sake of our marriage. I went to the doctor and tested negative for the flu, strep and was told I didn't have bronchitis.  That left coronavirus which was also negative. Apparently, I had another much less hip and trendy virus that my cocktail of Benadryl, Claritin, cough drops, Advil and inhalers barely touched. I have documentation to prove I don't have the virus which I almost pulled out yesterday when I was at Sprint and coughed into my elbow. It was a normal tickle, not the cough of someone on the brink of death, but the Sprint lady looked horrified and as if she wanted to douse me in Lysol. 

The first week of staying home was a much-needed rest. We had just come home from the trip and were sick so we didn't want to leave the house anyway. Today I looked at the calendar to see how many weeks we've been home after the week we were sick and I truly thought we were coming to the end of our second or possibly third week. It's only been one. I'm a homebody so staying home and having free days hasn't been too hard for me so far. I miss going to church, the playground, the library and having playdates but other than that our daily life hasn't changed too much. It is harder in some ways because we don't have any of our normal activities to take up time and sometimes I struggle with keeping us occupied and getting to the end of the day with happy hearts, but we could be struggling so much worse. We could be Anne Frank stuck in an attic for 25 MONTHS with no access to a real bathroom. We can deal with being stir crazy and/or bored. I do feel bad that AB is missing swimming, ballet and the homeschool group (and therefore I'm missing a couple hours of alone time) but she's been content to play at home. She's been extra clingy but she's bouncing around like normal and thrilled that she has an even more captive than normal audience to talk to. The part that's hardest for me so far is not knowing how long this will go on. Whether it would be easier or harder if I knew this would go on until July 1st I don't know, but I would feel better if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so grateful it's been nice weather because neighborhood walks are the saving grace at the end of the day. 

Annabelle turns 6 tomorrow which is very rude. I've told her over and over again to stop growing! Enough of this nonsense! Actually, I've had to cut down on telling her that because she's gotten VERY upset about having a birthday. She's cried about it multiple times so I've had to talk up how great it will be to be 6. It will be so fun! She'll still be able to live at home with me and Daddy! Life won't change very much! The hardest part might be that she'll need to use both hands to show her age. I think her hesitation about turning 6 is part of why she's been more clingy. I appreciate that she loves me but sitting outside the bathroom door is not necessary at this point in either of our lives. She wanted to spend the night in a hotel instead of having a birthday party but obviously that can't happen now. She also wanted a playdate with her friends but that will have to happen in a few weeks/months/years. I'm going to turn the living room into Hotel de Annabelle complete with chocolate on the pillowcases. I will be the front desk worker, maid and chef who provides the morning buffet. So basically it's business as usual for me. 

Time to go cry into my pillow over the child who is practically a grown up blow up balloons for the birthday girl.

All This And Nothing Even Rhymes With Virus

 Guest post by Sister of the Blog Elizabeth 

Well, I’ve given up people for Lent.

 I wish I’d known sooner that this was a viable option . If I’d known that “self-quarantined” was an available excuse, I would have started using it years ago.

Obviously, if there was ever a time to write a self-quarantine haiku, that time is upon us. If I knew how to write a haiku, I would. I actually have no idea, so I’ll stick with just being a proud self-quarantiner. I plan to celebrate coming out of the closet by going back in it. I’ll continue my regular routine by staying in my pajamas in my house with all my imaginary friends who recite poetry to me and laugh at all my jokes.

Now, COVID-19 has given me something of a solitude wind-fall, but that doesn’t keep the restless stir crazy wiggles away completely. I’ve compiled a short list of things to do when this happens.

Tell yourself jokes and silly thoughts.

This technique comes in very handy if you find yourself wearing a droopy face because of all the stress you feel. Tell yourself a silly thing and you’ll turn that frown upside down.

·       One of my Chinese-speaking students at school meant to say that people from Britain are British. Instead, she said, “People who live in Britain are Britilicious.”

·       Our niece Ariela reminded Grammy to go out and buy “sand hanitizer.”

·       The other day, I overheard two people debating whether dogs or cats are superior. The cat advocate said, “Just think, without cats, Crazy Cat Ladies would just be straight up Crazy Ladies.”

·       What do dyslexic zombies exclusively eat? Brians.

Read Castle Corona by Sharon Creech. 

     Although she wrote it in 2007 to tell a story about knights and peasants and poisons, I don’t think we could find a better time to read it. Watch Tangled again. Rapunzel lives in the Kingdom of Corona. Why not feed our brains alternative corona associations that don’t include death or social unrest?

Talk to strangers.

      If it’s not already glaringly apparent, this point should prove that my sister and I have vastly different approaches to life.  For her, stranger is a person who could potentially pop your car tires or ring your door bell and run away or take away your cookies on your birthday. You NEVER KNOW WHICH kind of person they will be so you must be VERY careful.

     On the other hand, as I told Sarah the other day, “To me, a stranger is just a friend I haven’t made yet.” Whichever philosophy you believe, there is something to be said for exchanging a few extra words with the increasing amount of people you see roaming around your neighborhood. Consider it networking for when you need to barter with them for toilet paper later.

Don’t worry about the toilet paper.

      If worse comes to worse, you can go to CVS or Walgreens, buy a tiny tube of Maybelline mascara, and walk away with a receipt the length of a roll of Charmin. You’ll know what to do next. Thank me later.

Consider a few conspiracy theories. 

     It’s good for the soul. Could Big Charmin be behind the pandemic?  What two bears would wipe their bottoms on nationally syndicated television without an ulterior motive.

 Write your own news. 

      Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” I take this to mean that I should create the kind of news stories I would prefer to hear and then read them with the full trust of my college-educated brain. Surely, that will at least change my own droopy face. Inspired by some new policies that discourage any gatherings over ten people, I have conducted some on the ground journalism and produced the following reports.

Tensions Rise As First, Third, and Fifth Mormon Wives Choose Which Child To Evict In Wake of Over Ten People Policy Enactment

"Jeremiah never did scrub the trailer floor well enough anyway," said Sylvia Shroder, Elijah Shroder's 5th wife.

"We are praying for guidance from our Lord," shared Elijah Shroder later. "Stress is running high here in the caves of Ridge City, Utah. We don't want to send away any of our 43 children."

Sources say that the Shroder family is floating ideas of sewing together all of the girls' full-body bathing suits to create an independent island.

"We don't know how we'll grow our beets in the dresses, " admits Sylvia. "But at least we will be together."

Together, that is, except for Jeremiah. He now shines the tubas for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Most recently, the family is turning their considerable mental focus on how to keep the island clean. With such a large population living on full-body bathing suits, cleanliness issues could cause a new pandemic.

Jedidiah Ephraim, the 7th son of 3rd wife Jody Prudence and one of Elijah's 17 sons, is good with his hands.

"While driving our truck to the river to remove our overalls from the catfish hole," Jedediah told reporters, "I figured how to clean the island with the machine I’ve invented." 

The machine will attach the handle of a vacuum cleaner to the body of a Whirlpool dishwasher. The dirt and dust which accumulate on the island will be sucked up into the dishwasher and exit, cleaned soil, from a hole in the back. "Nine of the youngins will pull it like a plow across our island. Cleanliness is next to Joseph Smith, after all."

When asked for the name of the island, unidentified neighbors agreed on Mormonhatten. No word yet on where these desert dwellers will find water to place the island.

The Utah Today-- March 18th, 2020

Home School Family Ditches Van, Faces Jail Time After Impersonating Funeral Procession Doug and Wendy Lister are facing extended jail time today. Their clandestine transportation scheme was discovered late Thursday by local officials in Orange County, Illinois. The Listers, whose 13 children normally ride in a 15 passenger van, have run into issues as their family exceeds the newly rolled out policies limiting gatherings to ten or fewer people. The family noticed that they regularly broke the law just by riding to their local library to borrow books about making homemade toilet paper. "We have noticed that our large family intimidates the wait staff at our local Red Lobster, but we never thought our full quiver would force us toward a life of crime," mourned Wendy to a reporter. To what life of crime is Wendy referring? Local officials began receiving calls from Orange County residents who reported seeing a line of black cars, lights flashing, riding back and forth from the local 4H each Monday and Wednesday. "We didn't think that many people were dying," recalls Randy Graves, owner of the local Exxon station. "Our town only holds about 345 people." Unfolding reports confirm that the Lister family bought the four hearses previously owned by the Orange Counter Funeral Home, whose proprietor believed the vehicles would be used for charity. “Doug assured me that the hearses would be used to carry baby blankets to the pediatric ward of our hospital. Every blanket was knitted by one of Doug’s ten daughters so I thought I could do something good for the community.”  Unfortunately, the Lister family turned on the flashing lights of the black funeral vehicles and raised the funeral flags too many times. Locals caught on. Police continue to question Doug and Wendy. As all of their children are above the age of 18, jail time will likely result for them as well. No word yet on how the Orange County jail deal with the influx of inmates. The number will be greater than ten. The Orange Country Inquirer-- March 22nd, 2020 Finally, if you have a sister, call her as many times as you possibly can. Ask her for updates about her bronchitis. She may not even notice that you’re just calling because you miss her She may not even know that you would rather live on an island made of dresses than socially distance from her.