gather 'round to hear the latest of my medical issues

By about 7:00 Monday evening I kept thinking to myself, "This has been A Week."

Sunday afternoon I was feeling footloose and fancy free as I headed out to the mall for some mama time. My stomach started to hurt right as I pulled in but I pressed on. I was only there for 30 minutes but had to sit down three times, the pain was so bad. I would have laid down but I didn't want to cause a public spectacle. I considered finding a security guard who would drive me back to my car in a golf cart so I wouldn't have to walk. I limped my way to the car, made it home and dragged myself to bed where I curled up with a heating pad and diagnosed myself with appendicitis or some sort of cancer.  All my time on WebMD has proved to be very helpful. The pain wasn't as bad on Monday but I went to the emergency room just in case.

Due to confusing signs I had to park down the street from the hospital and walk what felt like 5 miles to get to the er. Once there I found myself in a room full of the city's finest hoodlums, including but not limited to a boy whose pants were hanging so low he would have been better off not wearing any at all. A nurse brought a patient's specimens out to the waiting room to give to the patient's mother and mixed in with the girl's stuff was another patient's vial of blood. What a fine establishment. The nurse finally called my name and told me to walk myself down to room 17. Never in my life have I been pointed in the direction of an er room and told to let myself in. THERE WAS ALREADY SOMEONE IN ROOM 17. The mother and I had the worlds most awkward staring contest while I tried to mutter something about how she should BLAME JEN THE NURSE for the position we were in. I finally got my own room and sat there for an hour and a half waiting for someone to remember me. I couldn't find the remote for the tv and I didn't feel like reading my book so I had nothing to do but curl up and bemoan the state of my stomach. I felt like I hadn't eaten in years so I asked a random medical student doing paperwork outside my door if I could eat something. The answer was no. #DrHopeCrusher. I started daydreaming about food. I wanted nothing more than a large pepperoni pizza. I read the word sushi and suddenly I was craving all the sushi in the country. I'm not even a big sushi person but it was all I could think about.
 
Finally a nurse came in the room and hooked me up to an iv. I hate getting blood work/iv's with a passion. My veins are too small and it's such an ordeal getting the needle in. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" while the nurse poked and yanked at my arm. Why was I apologizing? She was the one causing the hurt.  She should be on her knees begging forgiveness. She gave me some pain medicine, turned on the tv so I could watch hgTV and things started looking up. Christopher and Annabelle came by to visit and AB completely disregarded any instructions I gave her about not sitting on my stomach.
 
I had a ct scan and as these things go, we had to wait a while for the results. Finally a PA came in and said my appendix looked fine, but it might a hernia or I might be constipated or maybe I just have a stomach ache. I was so hungry/exhausted/frustrated I almost cried. I was so annoyed that I had spent a day and a half of my life in pain only to be told I needed to go home and use the bathroom. I wanted to throw the iv fluid bag at her. They didn't even give me pain medicine to take home. I walked back to the car is such a huff about the whole situation that I'm surprised my head didn't explode. Now that I think about it, had my head exploded maybe I would have gotten better service. I went to Walgreens for a prescription and of course the pharmacist was young and handsome and I was BEYOND mortified that we were discussing my bathroom habits.
 
Short story unnecessarily long, I went to my regular doctor yesterday and she's sending me for an ultrasound. Today I had to call her office to get the information about where to go for the ultrasound. I should have gotten the info yesterday but Sesame was so excited about the fish and frogs in the tank and the dancing Snoopy dressed like a pumpkin that I got distracted and walked right out of the office without getting the paperwork.
 
I may still have my appendix but I've lost my brain.

I can only hope Kensington Palace let's me redecorate Princess Charlotte's bedroom

This morning I woke up with a splitting headache. My young boss was understanding and said I could take the day off. She sat quietly in the rocking chair all day, eating healthy snacks and reading educational books. I slept all day and it was glorious.
 
I WISH.
 
In reality I dragged myself out of bed, fed the boss breakfast and went to the lab to have blood work done. Try not to be jealous that I spent part of my morning being jabbed by a pediatric needle because the regular adult needles are too big for my minuscule veins. I let Annabelle bring in her Minnie Mouse stuffed animal which worked out much better than the original toy she wanted to bring- her musical, light up, ride on Minnie Mouse car. She (AB, not MM) behaved well until it was time to walk down to the bathroom for a urine sample. I gave her strict instructions to stand by the door and try not to touch anything. Of course she decided she didn't want to hold Minnie anymore and since there was nowhere to put the stuffed animal, I had to hold her under my chin while I went about my business. It was very graceful. By the time I was washing my hands AB said she wanted Minnie back. I must have misunderstood her because before I say anything, Minnie was going for a bath in the toilet. I guess I should be thankful Mr. Lion didn't get a bath.

*

Miss Toy Dunker tells me almost every day that she has a "new bedroom, Mama! It pink, Mama!" I wanted to paint it a very light pink but Christopher lost the paint chip on the way to the store and he bought a much brighter pink. I love it. It looks so pretty with the built-in white shelves.

I was going to redo her room in a bird/Mary Poppins theme but I put that off for a little longer. She's still so little I kind of like her still having the same elephant pictures she had in her first bedroom.

Naturally we have a special place to display her necklaces from Prince George.

She likes to call her closet a dollhouse for reason I don't understand. I hung up the green dress she wore home from the hospital on one of the decorative wall hooks. Every single time I see it I think about how a newborn dress was too big for little tiny baby Annabelle.

The only new thing I got for her room was the bow hanger. The director at story time asked if she has a bow to match every outfit. Pretty much and proud of it!

I painted this bench for her over the summer. I spent many weeks of my life carefully painting blades of grass with a toothpick.

I love how it turned out and hope it lasts forever. Thank goodness it's too big to dunk in a toilet.



life around here certainly isn't boaring

Lately I've been into watching vlogs on Youtube. I found one done by a British girl and she's inspired me to spice up my vocabulary with a few British terms. The other day I told Annabelle we needed to "pop over to the shop round the corner". She hasn't picked up on any of my new phrases yet but I'm sure she'll give it a go soon. She likes to shake my hand and say "Pleased to meet you!" so I'm patting myself on the back for already raising such a proper child.

The shop round the corner in question was Home Depot. I favor Lowes over Home Depot because I like blue better than orange, but I don't know where Lowes is so I am forced to suffer through the sea of orange aprons. Last time I was there I noticed a sign attached to a pole that read total snowfall last year with an arrow pointing down. The pole was stuck in a bucket with cotton piled around the top to look like snow. As I walked I rolled my eyes because the "snow" barely came up to my knee. So much for this being Snowfall Central. I walked by it again on this most recent visit and literally stopped in my tracks when I realized I had misread the sign. The arrow was not pointing to the fake snow. It was pointing to a line at that top of the pole that said 129.3''. That's ONE HUNDRED TWENTY NINE POINT THREE INCHES, people. It was a difference of more than nine feet.



Good thing I like snow.

I'm sure you all remember the tiny horse I saw in our neighbor's yard when I was pregnant. Much to my sorrow, I later discovered that it was only a dog. Well. You WILL NOT BELIEVE what I saw in our neighbor's yard on the way home from Home Depot. A BOAR. A black boar just hanging out eating grass while a little Chihuahua followed along behind. Lest you think we moved to the African desert- WE DIDN'T. We barely even live in the country. I don't even know what to think. Every time I've driven by since I've had my camera ready but the boar hasn't been out. I will risk taking my child for a walk on a busy road for photographic evidence. If they didn't live down the road a few houses you'd better believe I'd set up a boar watching station in my kitchen. AB can get her own cheerios and milk. Mama's busy watching the neighbors.

Pumpkin patching and all that. A brief description of our day as told by AB.

My peeps took me to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard. Mom said I had to wear my pumpkin outfit. As usual, I had little say in the matter.



A GOAT! A GOAT! I SAW A GOAT!

Dad got me my first set of wheels! Nothing less than a convertible for me.





I'll pose with my mom but I refuse to smile. (Editorial comment. I'm questioning my sunglasses.

I wish I had questioned how they looked before wearing them the entire summer.) 





I don't understand what my parents wanted me to do. They kept sticking me up in trees and saying "Pick it! Pick it!" Pick what? I was so confused.



 Apple picking is the best, you guys.









In a People House, Edition House #6

We've finally started to get pictures hung up and décor put up around here.

 

I have a love-hate relationship with collage walls. I love how they look but hate the thirty extra nail holes I always make when hanging the pictures. I was so proud of myself for only moving two nails this time. I imagine the pride I felt was similar to the pride felt by those who scale Mount Everest.

My one dislike of collage walls is trying to keep everything straight. 

Two things to note in the above picture:

1. I have yet to find the lamp shade for my lamp. Maybe it's in the box with the cookie sheets and my dry shampoo.

2. I have a pillow sitting on a bookcase. See below for an explanation.

 

When I made my wedding registry I only asked for things I needed, with the exception of two items. The first was a beverage dispenser that I've only used once so obviously it was a smart choice and the other was a hummingbird pillow. I can't fully convey my love for this pillow.



My goal is for it to last until our fiftieth anniversary in pristine, albeit slightly wrinkled, condition. I have strict rules for this pillow. Absolutely NO using it like your average pillow. No leaning, laying, swishing, or folding it. No using it in a pillow fight. Under NO circumstances is it to be slept on. The morning I went to the hospital to have Annabelle I made a list of instructions for Mom and the twins who were staying at our house: "YOU KNOW THE RULES ABOUT THE HUMMINGBIRD PILLOW." Don't I sound so hospitable? I can feel my blood pressure rise when someone who doesn't know the rules squashes it. Our cars were so jam packed on the way up here that I almost had to choose between taking Annabelle or taking the pillow. AB would not be a respecter of my pillow rules and it doesn't match in my room or the guest room so it's been sitting on the bookshelf for weeks. Because that's totally normal. I'm sure my levels of pillow obsession is normal as well.

 

Oh look! Another pretty pillow! This pillow can be gently leaned upon so you can all breathe a sigh of relief. 

Around the corner from the hummingbird pillow sits this box. I packed it the week before we got married and seven moves later it still hasn't been unpacked. Frankly I have no plans to unpack it. Why mess with tradition?



I love a fireplace mantle. You can see my decorative sticks peeking up in the bottom left. I'm not as obsessed with my sticks as with my pillow but I do like them. I searched high and low for the perfect bunch of decorative sticks when we were living in our apartment. I felt silly buying sticks when I could have gotten them for free in the woods, but Tennessee majorly failed in the woods department so I shelled out eighteen American dollars for fake sticks decorated with beads. You've never seen fancier sticks. Sesame likes to play with them and I feel ridiculous every time I say "DON'T BREAK MAMA'S STICKS! They're very special and I'll be very sad if they break!"



For various reasons we didn't get a new bedding set when we got married. Let me rephrase that. Christopher bought a red comforter set when he moved into the apartment as his "last bachelor purchase" but I didn't get to pick one out. We've either used the red set or a pretty gold set that was given to me second hand. I liked the gold bedding but it had seen better days so on Thursday we went to Stein Mart and bought a new blanket and throw pillows. We also got three more pillows that aren't in the picture. I have a throw pillow addiction and I'm proud of it.





I'm on a self-imposed no buying new items for the house ban but I let this one slide because technically I can say it's a wedding gift to myself that came five years late. That leaves me free to buy the antique washboard I saw yesterday as a housewarming gift to myself. I do so enjoy justifying unnecessary purchases.

three very unrelated and unimportant topics

Two doors down from our house is a bar. A few weeks ago they put out a sign announcing they'd be having a "family friendly" Fall festival over the weekend. I wondered what family friendly event could happen at a bar. Apple juice shots, maybe? Christopher went over to investigate but he reported there wasn't much going on so it wasn't worth us walking ALL THE WAY over there. That night we heard music blaring into all hours of the evening. We assumed things were in full party mode over at the Fall festival. The next night the music started up again. Christopher happened to be out in the backyard at the same time our neighbor Sue was building a fire in her fire pit. He said hi but she didn't respond as she was high as a kite. Turns out the music was courtesy of Sue's personal Fall festival complete with a 1990's cd player and assorted things to smoke.

 

In case you're wondering, Sue looks like this. Add fifteen years, change the hood to green and it's 100% Sue.



Speaking of what people look like, the boy who cuts our grass looks EXACTLY like Jojo from Horton Hears a Who. He has shaggy black hair, the longest arms and has worn stripped black pants every time I see him.

The cast of characters around here is fascinating.

 *

Lately I've been teaching Sesame state names. It's more out of a desire to hear her say some new words than a desire to raise the 2020 World Geography Competition winner. Yesterday we had the following conversations:

Me: What do you want for lunch?

AB: Massa-CHOO-ses.

Me: Do you want more or are you all done?

AB: Massa-CHOO-ses! Massa-CHOO-ses!

Me: Go get a book for me to read you.

AB: Massa-CHOO-ses!

 

Whatever the question, Massachusetts is her the answer.

*

Today was the first day of my first annual Fall Fashion Fiesta with my favorite first child.

"I am so bored. I will gaze up at the sky and hope for an airplane to appear."

Stay tuned for future installments as we make our way through her wardrobe. It's sure to be fascinating.

one and a half

My favorite offspring turned one and a half yesterday.

On her way to the playground the very second she turned one and a half.

She's been a busy bee in the last six months. She walks up talking and rarely stops unless she's being read to. A very small Sesame pronunciation guide follows*:

* This will be of interest to very few people

Mow! Mow!: More! More!
pops: popsicle
I shakey han/I holdy han: I shake your hand/I hold your hand
de-sing: dressing for whatever she's eating. Her favorites are blue cheese and ranch.
amil cackers: animal crackers
humpy dumpy: Humpty Dumpty

She uses the signs for more, please, cook, banana, turtle, again  and flower. She tries to do the letters with me when I sign the alphabet. I've been trying to teach her new signs but she doesn't learn them as quickly since she's started talking more.

She's just started getting to the stage where she says cute things. The other day she brought me a bottle of Powerade and said, "Read to juice, Mama". Now I can cross read Hop on Pop to a plastic bottle off my bucket list. She told me she wants to "huggy birds" at the park.

"Anybody home? Anybody home?"

She LOVES reading. She loves playing outside and coloring with crayons. She will make sticker pictures all day, every day. One of her favorite activities is unrolling the toilet paper. She enjoys counting "one, two, one, one, two" at random times.



She's getting so tall but is still a skinny Minnie. We brought four pairs of shoes with us when we left Tennessee and she outgrew three of them by the time we arrived here. She fit into the same 3-6 month pants for an entire year. They were pants last year and capris this year. It was almost like parting with a good friend when I packed them up.

She adores animals, especially goats and kittens. She loves when we visit the pet store. When we went to see the alpacas over the weekend she saw a flock of turkeys and said she wanted to "kissy the turkeys".

She's recently started watching shows and her favorites are Mary Poppins, Winnie the Pooh and her first great love- Minnie Mouse. Hours after I mentioned how she never tries to hum or sign she started singing, "medicine down, medicine go down" and "fly-y kite!" from Mary Poppins.



Last month Christopher showed her a video on youtube of mother cats caring for their babies. Something about the kittens and the classical music in the background brought her to tears. She wasn't upset. She was so touched that she had the biggest tears rolling down her cheeks.

Girlfriend loves food. She will eat almost anything. She loves snacks and asks for one every hour.

Much to my great sorrow she's started protesting bows.

Sometimes I still wonder when her mother is going to show up. When we're out, especially when we're visiting my family, and she needs something people will look to me and I look at them and wonder why they're all expecting ME to fix it. Obviously I've got this mothering thing down pat.



maybe the insurance agent would like to hear an alpaca joke

The weekend started off with me breaking our bed. All I wanted to do was rest while Sesame took her nap but when I laid down, I heard a crack and the bottom half of the bed fell down. Needless to say I didn't get my nap.

Saturday morning I went to the dentist. There was an issue with the insurance since the receptionist wasn't accustomed to dealing with Tricare but I patted myself on the back for handling it with such smoothness and expertise. I hate dealing with insurance and that was the second time in two weeks I handled insurance issues like an adult so clearly I deserve a medal of some sort. Or maybe I need to accept that fact that dealing with insurance is what adults do and I shouldn't be so proud of myself. Just as I was getting situated in the EXTREMELY QUIET waiting room the receptionist called me to the desk. I forgot my keys were on my lap and they crashed down onto the tile floor. Everyone looked at me. I answered the receptionist's question and sat down only for her to call me up again. AGAIN I forgot about the keys on my lap and AGAIN everyone looked at me. I jammed the key ring down on my fingers so it wouldn't happen a third time. Finally the hygienist called my name and when I stood up, the chair stuck to the back of my legs and it lifted off the floor then smashed against the wall. I could not leave the waiting room fast enough.

The dentist had large movie posters hanging around his office. This was the picture I came face to face with when sitting in the chair. What a relaxing place.



Last weekend was National Alpaca Weekend (who decides these things?) and we took AB to a local farm to see the animals. I spent all day thinking of puns like "Alpaca the diaper bag so we can go to the farm'' and "Alpaca some snacks for the road". I crack myself up.





a trip to the falls

When Mom and Elizabeth were visiting last week we took a day trip to a small body of water commonly known as Niagara Falls.

You may have heard of it.

 

While we oohed and aahed over the beauty, Sesame sat in her stroller very unimpressed. She was more excited about chasing the seagulls.

The falls were so awesome they became one with the sky. Or maybe the camera was on the wrong setting.



Christopher sent Mom, Elizabeth and I on the Maiden of the Mist tour while he and AB stayed on dry land. Try not to be jealous of our hott plastic ponchos.

I had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction.



The American flag flying over Canada. God bless America, long may she reign.

I wish this was my backyard. I'd love to wake up to this view every day!

anytime the unpacking fairies want to arrive is fine with me

Welcome to my new home! Pull up a box and make yourself comfortable.



It's nothing short of a peaceful oasis around here. It could even be compared to a tropical beach vacation.

Last time I appeared on this corner of the webosphere I was comfortably situated between 318 boxes full of my worldly possessions and a disassembled kitchen table. The view hasn't changed much, just the state.

Since then we've driven more than 800 miles with our cars looking like modern day Beverly Hillbillys. We've stayed in hotels across three different states and one who shall remain unnamed unrolled the toilet paper in them all.

I was so proud of this girl. She once cried ONCE the entire drive. 



Christopher made me the leader of our two vehicle caravan. As the kids these days say, LOL. I get lost in my own front yard. I kid you not, I got on the wrong highway less than three minutes after we left our Tennessee house.

Last family picture at our old house.

 The bright and shining highlight of our trek north was visiting Michelle and darling family. My car was broken into when we visited her last time so I was preparing myself for disaster to strike again. A car part flew off the car in front of me and left a dent the size of a basketball in my bumper but compared to a broken window it was nothing. Perspective is a funny thing. I had been talking to Annabelle about Michelle's baby Gracie for weeks. Every time I'd see a picture of Gracie I'd show Annabelle who would squeal and say, "Baby Gaycee! Baby Gaycee! Call Gaycee?" I was not disappointed when they finally met in person. They'll be BFF's forever. They have no choice.

 In case you're wondering where Gracie gets good hair genes, look no farther than her father.

 Sesame takes advantage of any opportunity to practice her princess wave.

As someone who likes to be fully prepared for everything in life, not knowing what our new house would be like caused me not a little worry and gray hair. We got here Tuesday but couldn't get into the house until Thursday. We drove over to see the outside and I'm not going to lie. I panicked. My first impression was we were about to live in a house the size of two postage stamps. I envisioned having to leave 3/4 of my furniture out on the front lawn.  It was such a relief to see the inside and discover that my beloved hutch wouldn't be banished to a dark corner of the garage after all. It's not big by any means, but we'll make it work. The kitchen doesn't have a space for a real table so we have to turn the downstairs bedroom into a dining room. The stairs and upstairs hallway creak like the bones of a 102 year old man and are guaranteed to wake a sleeping baby. Annabelle's room is itty bitty but she's itty bitty so it works out. We have 104 boxes left to unpack and we're waiting for the movers to bring us the rest. We'll be fully unpacked by 2017.

 

I should be unpacking but I think I'll go sit in the back yard instead. It's so much prettier than cardboard boxes.











we've got our moving shose on

Last night was the last we time we rocked Annabelle in the bedroom we brought her home to. No one, least of all me, was at all emotional.

*



We spend most of yesterday after church packing the house. We moved all the stuff that we're driving to the new house into the bathroom and the coat closet. The bathroom door can barely be opened and I practically have to climb on the counter to get to the toilet. The tub is full of stuff. I can only open the coat closet door part way or the drawers on Christopher's file box slide open. My home is the sanctuary of peace and tranquility I always hoped it would be.

The packers came this morning to start boxing everything up and I could not have been more unenthusiastic about it. I woke up with a splitting headache and jaw pain thanks to stress and my still partially dislocated jaw. I felt like a million tiny little needles were jabbing into my ears. I wanted to curl up and cry and never leave the bed. Annabelle felt fine as a fiddle and started talking up a storm before she even got out of bed. We had piles through out the house and pictures leaning against all the walls. Her toys were separated into pack and do not pack piles. We had a stack of folded boxes just perfect for throwing around the floor. She bounced from pile to pile touching and moving everything. You would have thought she was at Disney World. I bounced from the ibuprofen bottle to the sudaphed bottle. Fun was had by all.

By the time they arrived (late) at 8:36, I was done. I wanted to go back to bed. The movers are very nice and extremely efficient. It would take me days and days to get this house packed, even if I didn't have the small one. They're going through boxes and wrapping paper like they're going out of style. I appreciate a good wrapping job. I've been known to use paper, bubble wrap and newspaper one plate. Can't be too careful. I don't appreciate their labeling techniques or the way they combine items. For example, I saw them combine the following into one box labeled ''pillows'':
toys, fake greenery, a small metal star, two couch cushion, my cardboard letters that spell EAT, and part of a lamp.

I almost burst a blood vessel. I would never put the greenery that adorns my cupboards with Annabelle's musical school bus.

Then I found this jewel.

Clothes and shose.

 

 The day didn't go off completely without a hitch but it did stay interesting. One guy was packing the kitchen and the light fell off the ceiling and crashed to the floor right by his feet. How does a light just fall off the ceiling? Another guy saw my bowl of muffins on the counter and asked if he could have one. I said he could have as many as he wanted. He asked if they were blueberry muffins. They were banana. Is my cooking that bad?

A few minutes later I heard the following conversation.
Mover 1: Is bowls spelled with e-l at the end or just l?
Mover 2: It doesn't matter.

Um. YES IT DOES MATTER. I ASSURE you that the bowels belonging to people in this house are not going in any boxes. They won't be walking around in any shose either.

brain dump

I forgot how much moving makes me want to organize and deep cleaning. The other day I organized and categorized all Annabelle's toys. Each category went in its own ziplock bag which went into the toy trunks. I all but color coded everything. I want to power wash the outside of the house. I want to deep clean my car. It's like all the nesting I never did when I was pregnant is making an appearance now.

*

When Joanna was here she taught AB the chorus to the Justin Bieber song Baby. Almost every day AB walks around the house saying, "Oh, baby. Oh, baby baby. Oh!" Joanna must have also shown her the music video because yesterday AB kept pointing to the computer saying, "Baby oh! Baby oh!" Against my better judgment I caved and we watched it. I had never listened to the lyrics closely and one line in particular stood out. "My first love, broke my heart for the first time." The kid looks like he's all of five years old. What first love could he possibly be saying broke his heart? Did his mom take away his pacifier? Did he find out the Tooth Fairy is imaginary? Not much else would break your heart when you're that young.

*



We've turned into quite the playground goers this summer. We spend our weeks hopping from playground to playground like the wild girls that we are.

*

Today we went to the medical records office to fill out a couple forms. A woman from the office called me a few hours later to confirm something. She totally threw me off when she said her name is Mona. This morning I was watching the Friends episode where Ross dates a girl named Mona. Now Mona was on the phone with me. Sometimes the line between reality and fiction gets a little blurred.

*

LOOK WHO HAD HER FIRST PONYTAIL. She has a little section of hair in the back of her head just long enough for a ponytail. The rest of it is too short or curls out on the sides. I thought Bald Baby was precious but I'm loving her new hair. In about three years we'll be battling the cowlick smack dab above her forehead so I'm enjoying these easy hair times. 



I think to celebrate this momentous day by eating a Klondike bar while I order more bows. It seems like the best thing to do.